Grace disguised.

You created all of this. You created life and all that exists. You created out of Yourself, from the dust, breathing Your life into us. We were created to know You personally and truly. Our hearts desire relationship with You above all else, but that perfection was broken. Sin took the life from our hearts and we were made enemies with the One we need most. We died, all of us, in that garden. Now we search for life in all that is around us. Jobs, purpose, passion, people, friends, marriage, beauty, reputation, positions, power, authority, money, or possessions. We are constantly looking for fulfilment because we need our dead hearts to come back to life. We search for life in the created rather than the Creator of life. Everything around us offers us a small and sweet taste of life, only leaving us with the bitter aftertaste of our reality - death apart from a Saviour. You, and nothing but You, are what truly satisfies a starving soul. We know that because it has been set down deeply in the hearts of the children that You have raised from death to life. Yet we still rebel. We run. We prostitute ourselves. You are sickened, angry, hurt, and yet chose to lavish compassion and immeasurable grace - grace disguised.

You know the pain we cause ourselves and You refuse to let us destroy ourselves. We search for satisfaction and You thwart our plans. Grace disguised. We find dependency and safety in man-made shelters and You allow chaos, leaving You alone as our dependency. Grace disguised. We set small dreams before us and for our future and You blow in like the rushing of a Mighty Wind, blowing them away, only to replace them with better ones. Grace disguised. You never cause pain without a purpose. You never scold us of our sin without offering us a hand to walk as the children You've designed us to be. You never rebuke us without calling to us, "Come now, let us settle this.." (Isaiah 1:18). You never watch us wallow in our death without offering Life, though grace may seem disguised.

The reality of this world is that we are fallen human beings, desperately starving for life. Life that You so abundantly, and yet ironically, offered through death. Grace was disguised that day, covered in the battered and beaten skin of a man housing the fullness of God. Nailed to a tree with undeniable force and hatred by His own creation. The Father's grace was covered in wrath. Jesus offered grace through accepting the Father's wrath in it's entirety. The weight of every sin of every human being to ever walk the earth was thrown onto the man who was God incarnate. He took it. The Father watched Himself - His beloved and precious Son - as He was brutally murdered. They were absolutely separated from one another, the pain evident as the Son cried out to His Father... "Why have You forsaken me?" Grace on that day, was disguised by wrath.

"Jesus wrecked my life, shattered it to pieces and put it back together more beautifully." - Katie Davis

I've been reading through Isaiah the past few days and God continually speaks about the rebellion of His children. God rebukes Judah, calling them out on all of their sin and telling them of how they have hurt and destroyed themselves. He is harsh, but always offers grace and compassion. He recognises their sin and rebellion but then calls them out of their mess into the beauty that God created them to be. But that required His judgement to fall, burning away all that they rely on and all that they find satisfaction in.

The Lord says "Beautiful Zion is haughty, craning her elegant neck, flirting with her eyes, walking with dainty steps, tinkling her ankle bracelets. So the Lord will send scabs on her head; the Lord will make beautiful Zion bald." On that day of judgement the Lord will strip away everything that makes her beautiful... Instead of smelling of sweet perfume, she will stink. She will wear a rope for a sash, and her elegant hair will fall out... Shame will replace her beauty. Isaiah 3:16-18, 24

And yet..

The Lord will wash the filth from beautiful Zion and cleanse Jerusalem of its bloodstains with the hot breath of fiery judgment. Isaiah 4:4



















What if the loneliness we experience is to teach us that we find true companionship in God?

What if our singleness or marriage leaves us with an emptiness that points to the only One who can truly satisfy?

What if our relationships fall apart all around us, directing us back to our Creator who wants to lavish us with His unending and unfailing love?

What if we feel purpose-less, but God uses that to open our eyes to a lasting purpose that will echo into eternity?

What if we are battling with depression, but it is for the purpose of teaching us true joy and peace that can endure any circumstance?

What if the loss of close family members teaches us that what truly matters in this life is how we love?

What if our insecurities push us to find our true identity in Christ, embracing our weaknesses and knowing His grace is more than sufficient for us?

What if the answers to our questions are delayed, only causing us to trust in God's sovereign character?

What if the feelings of hopelessness are there to push us to find hope in Christ, and to love those without hope?

God's desire for us is that we would know true life and find true satisfaction in all that Jesus is for us in God. What if the trials we are facing is the way that God prunes us of the empty promises we are trusting in. What if God has allowed this for your greater good? What if your Father is teaching you a beautiful lesson through discipline? Yes, it may feel like wrath now, but what if it sets you up in the end for His greater good for you? Isn't it worth it?

For me personally, 2013 was a year of finding true satisfaction and life in Jesus despite pain. I want to challenge you to look around and search for God's grace in disguise. It's there. I promise you.

Kamvalethu.

I was sitting on the edge of the couch, overwhelmed by my surroundings and the bleak reality that my eyes met. I spent a week at Themba Care, the government institution that housed 13 babies – sick, infected, abandoned little babies. The kids were so sick they couldn't hide it. Frail and under weight bodies, oozing ears, babies on machines, children who couldn't walk properly. I was genuinely overwhelmed. My prayer for that week was that God would reveal more and more of Himself as Father. Daddy.

Days passed and I still felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I knew there wasn't much I could do to help those children, but I played, and smiled, and laughed, and rocked, and fed, and prayed over them.

Now, I don't normally play favourites..... but... that was before I had met Kamvalethu. He was a precious little boy who was quiet and cautious at first, but so warm and friendly after we established ourselves. He couldn't speak much english and he wasn't capable of walking properly, but we got on so well. At the beginning of the week I was completely unaware that this little boy would show me exactly who I am in the eyes of God.

One afternoon we were working on developmental skills that the children needed help with, but Kamvalethu wasn't very happy with me. He had a particular toy that was going to hurt him if he had fallen or bumped into something, so I took it away from him so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Boy oh boy that child cried and fussed like it was the end of the world. He literally worked himself up so much that he was struggling to breathe and I think he could have filled a river with tears. He was so upset with me and refused to pay me any attention for the rest of the afternoon.

I was a bit hurt to be honest. He had become my little buddy and I was simply trying to protect him because I cared about him. His young mind couldn't conceptualise that though. We both had to suffer the consequences. He didn't get his toy and exhausted himself from his tempertantrum, and I was cut off from the baby I wanted to be with the most.

Months later I'm sitting in my room, trying to talk to God through my stubbornness and apologise for how strong-willed and uncooperative I've been lately, and I just had an overwhelming picture come to my mind.

The first was thinking of my high school years and my relationship with my dad. My parents are so wise and have examplified large amounts of leadership and guidance in my life, but that doesn't mean I always understood their leadership or decisions. Actually, more often than not, I bucked their authority out of the stubbornness in my heart and did what I felt was best. That would lead to arguments, frustration, and consequences. My parents are my best friends and I understand now that they love me and made certain decisions to protect me and to give me what was best. The picture I got was the pain of being separated from my parents because I was rebellious and angry because I didn't get what I had wanted in that moment. I see the pain my parents felt because I was essentially hurting myself, but more than that, I wasn't trusting them and I was pushing them away.

After thinking about that, my mind immediately went to that precious baby. Yoh it hurt my heart when he was so upset with me. I wish I could have explained to him in a way that he would have understood... I was simply protecting him. I was keeping him from hurting himself.

How often is that us though?  

We fight and kick and scream at God like little babies because we don't get our way. We don't understand Him, and we decide not to trust that He is protecting us and taking care of us. Worse than that, we tend to push Him away. 

Kamvalethu is a Xhosa name, and within the Xhosa culture children are given names with specific meaning. This child's name means “our future”. Despite his illness, I know that God has a future for him. I sat and watched that child kick and scream and throw a tempertantrum like he created it, but I couldn't help but smile because I knew this wasn't the end for him. Though he thought so, it wasn't the end of the world. He'd get over it and completely forget that I took the toy away from him. In the long run, it was better for him to experience that frustration in that moment than to have gotten hurt.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

When I looked at Kamvalethu, I couldn't help but see myself. It was like God gave me a glimpse of Himself as Daddy and me as His daughter. Stubborn, spoiled, young daughter.

A week after sitting with God and recognising myself as this stubborn, strong-willed child, I found myself sitting across the table from a beautiful young woman who finds herself lost in the same exact place. Except she doesn't want to talk to God. She doesn't understand that He is a good, loving, caring, and protecting Father. In her mind He has done nothing good for her. She's run away from Him, hard, and she doesn't know how to get back. She doesn't feel like she can go back.

I listened, affirmed, and explained so gently that just because she ran away does not mean she cannot run back. She struggles to be the mother she dreams of... she wants her children to be safe, loved, provided for, and in her care. But what if her children leave her? What if they look at their circumstances and decide that they want something else. What if they doubt her love for them based on their circumstances. Those children may leave her, but that will never take away her love for them.

I asked her if she could ever stop loving them.

She looked at me with big tears in her eyes and knew exactly where this question was going. She understood. In the same way that she would never stop loving her own children, God has never stopped loving her.

I'm reminded that God is for us. I believe that even in the most terrible of situations, God is more than willing to work it for our good. I believe that despite our sins and mistakes, God is capable of taking that evil and turning it around. The consquences and punishment we may face are intended to make us better and to mold us into the image of God. The circumstances we go through are capable of bringing us closer to God, and God labours on our behalf to make it all for our greater good. Even when we don't understand, even when it hurts, and even when we are frustrated, we can lean into the One who is trustworthy.

I think that is what truly matters to God. He wants us to trust Him and embark on every single day of our lives like it is an adventure with Him.

Through the easy days and the days that feel unbearable, He plans for your future with Him. You have been chosen by God, elected, set apart for a purpose (1 Peter 1:1-2) ... He has named you Kamvalethu in one way or another, because He is continually plotting for your future together with Him. You carry the purpose of knowing God and walking with Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39

Despite your stubbornness, doubt, sin, or anything else, God is stretching His hand out to you in love. Rather than running away from Him, He wants you to lean into His arms in absolute trust.. He is saying, "My child.... I have our future in mind..."

Lean in, rest in His arms, and trust your Daddy. 

When God pursues.

Yesterday was crazy. I'm still processing it all.

We had just come back from a day at the orphanage, and I was sitting on the step outside of the seminary. I looked up when I heard a younger woman quietly say excuse me. She was probably just a few years older than me, and her daughter was clutching her hand. She was almost whispering when she asked me where the home was for abused women. I knew exactly where it was, but my thoughts were going to a million different things in one moment. I was drawing up various pictures of what this beautiful woman's life could have looked like.

I did my best to explain directions to her, but really felt it would be best to walk with her. So we walked. It was terribly awkward. I wanted to be sweet and gentle with her, but the fact that we were walking together to this home was painfully obvious to the both of us. It hurt. She wouldn't look at me much, even when I asked her questions. She avoided eye contact with me, and I could see shame written all over her face and demeanor. When we made it to the home I stood with her to make sure she got in fine. I hugged her and tried to make eye contact as I asked for her name, but she just muttered quietly under her breath and walked through the gate, avoiding looking at me at all.

I was so overwhelmed, and didn't know what else to do but pray. It was one of those Holy Spirit interceding for me moments, because I had no idea what to say, much less process what had happened and all of it's implications.

About an hour later I was laying in bed, so comfortable that I didn't want to get up.... then I heard a familiar knock on the door. After he pounded 6 or 7 times I finally got out of bed, only to find this beautiful girl at my door. I was shocked. She walked a little way with me and said that she wanted to thank me for walking with her earlier, she felt it was the polite thing to do. This time she was looking me in the eyes from time to time, making eye contact and then looking back at her feet again and again. I could tell she was about to burst. I hugged her and it was as if she melted. Her body language changed immediately and I felt her soften in my arms. She was sobbing but trying so hard to pull herself together. I grabbed my shoes and we sat on my beloved jungle gym (I spend a lot of time in the sun there) and we spoke. I didn't even initiate the conversation, much less ask questions. She just started talking. Telling me her story and some of the heart-breaking circumstances she's been through. I was done for after the first few sentences. Neither of us could keep the tears from flowing. She told me about her children, her family, her struggles, and her disbelief in God. I listened, and cried, and truly felt for this woman. I shared my story, my battles, and my experiences. I also shared about my loving Jesus who is not like an absent or unconcerned biological father or a brutal step-father who rapes a child, but a kind, gentle, perfect, compassionate and righteous Father who is ever present, always listening, and absolutely FOR His children... so much for them that He pursued, and sacrificed, and DIED to bind up their broken hearts shattered by sin.

She just cried. We both just cried.

The timid and shame-filled woman I had met simply an hour ago was completely different before me now, making eye contact, sharing her story, and getting glimpses into the dignity and worth she carries because of her Maker. She labeled herself as useless and dirty because of the actions of those around her. She carries their sins as her shame, but that is not the woman that she is.

She shared with me that at the woman's home there had been no social workers, simply a pastor. And she didn't want to speak to them because they were a pastor. But I believe whole heartedly that God was there, pursuing her precious heart in that moment. Drawing her to Himself. And for some reason she came back to me. God pursued her in that moment also, by His grace, using my brokenness and my story and heartache to shine light and hope and LOVE to her.

She asked me to introduce her to this Jesus that I was friends with.

That's how God works.

He pursues, and loves, and heals, and sends.

Once again, I experienced this Jesus in the streets. With people who are messy, hurt and broken.

Please pray for this beautiful woman. I could see her strength. I could see her beauty. She has a Bible now. Pray that she would be selfish in seeking the help that she needs. Pray that she would be removed from the abusive situation and that her and her children would be safe. Pray for her healing, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Pray that she would experience the love and mercy of God in all of it's truth, recognising her desperation for Christ and the grace and love that God wants to so willingly lavish upon her. Pray that she would be healed, and that those who have produced the abuse would experience sorrow that leads to repentance and salvation. PLEASE pray that God's word would hide itself in her heart and change her, love her, heal her, and send her for His purposes. I know that God will heal and use her story as a testimony for His glory and as an advocate for abuse.

The beautiful.

Pain, and frustration and hurt that cut so deep it felt like I was dying inside. Thoughts constantly throwing me back and forth, deeper and deeper into sadness and anger and what felt like hopelessness. I felt like I was being held under water and had no power to help myself out. Or like my feet where stuck in sinking sand and the rest of my body was destined to follow. And then God was reminding me to be joyful during this pain, and it felt like He didn't understand, and how could He ask me to choose joy when all I wanted was to mourn? All I wanted to do was put to death that chapter in my life. I felt vulnerable and shameful and dirty. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. For a while, every breath I took reminded me of the choice that I had to live with, and the pain that came with that choice. Hopeless. I felt absolutely hopeless.

But now, I'm on the other side. I mourned, and put to death that chapter in my life. Maybe I didn't have the power to pull myself out of my whirlwind of emotions and pain, but God did. I was stuck on repeat like a scratched CD. I was rereading the same page of a familiar old book. And now I realise why God kept whispering joy and peace to me..and I'm so thankful He was persistent in pulling me back into His arms and wiping my tears, speaking comfort and truth and hope to my raging heart. I understand now.

He is faithful. 

He makes all things work together for our good. 

He loves His children deeply and has prosperous plans for us. 

Joy in pain is a choice. Peace in the storm is trust. None of us can naturally experience joy or peace. It is a choice. Unbelief is the instinct of our deceitful heart. But peace and joy says "You are faithful, You make all things work together for my good and I know that You are my Heavenly Father, my daddy who loves me deeply. I will have peace, because You are in control and You can make this beautiful for Your glory. I will have joy, because I know that You are good". 

Do you want to hear about some of my favourite things? I'm glad you said yes. Rain and autumn. Rain, and dancing, and jumping in puddles, and catching raindrops in my mouth. Growing up I always loved dancing in the rain and getting soaking wet and jumping in every puddle I could see. It thrilled me! It still does.. sadly, though, South Africa's rainy season is right in the middle of it's harsh and cold winter. Autumn, and the bright and radiant orange/red/yellows that fill every mountain and every tree, the autumn that fills the air with a crisp freshness that words can't quite describe. But do you know what autumn essentially is? Death. Yet it brings me so much joy. Just like Jesus died and rose 3 days later, the seasons of a year reflect the beauty of death and 3 seasons later, bring spring, new life, new leaves, green and lush. 

There will always be seasons of death and pain and sorrow, but my beloved HOLD ON! Dance in the rain, jump in the puddles, hold onto the fact that the rain will stop and the sun will come back out and SHINE radiantly on you! The leaves may be beautiful, but they will fall and abandon the trees bare and grey and ugly, but beloved they will grow back beautifully and fill the tree again. 

You may be going through a very difficult time in life, but I want to encourage you to claim the peace and joy God is stretching out to you. Trust Him...allow Him to fill you with His hope. You will make it through this. You will come out stronger, closer, and deeper to God and reflect Him more and more. Please know that you will be okay. You'll be even better than okay, you'll shine more beautifully and display His glory brightly through it all. He remains faithful and constant. He is always.

I'm praying for you!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Satisfaction.

Relationships. Yup, I'm going there. Now, before you jump to conclusions and assume I'm simply talking about romantic, lovey dovey relationships, know that I'm not! This is about relationships in general, and applies to the relationships you have with different types of people - friends, parents, a significant other, acquaintances, etc.

Let's just say that recently God has really been busy in my heart. It hasn't been the most fun, but it has been stretching and I'm thankful for that! God always wants to grow us and mould us to look more like His Son Jesus! So after I got myself into a silly situation, made mistakes, didn't use all of my brain, allowed my emotions to dictate my decisions, and ultimately ended up hurt, God opened my eyes to His hand moving in my life. Take note of this please: God does use our mistakes for His ultimate good, but He doesn't desire for us to make those mistakes in the first place (Thank you daddy for reminding me of this). God is gracious and He does make everything work for our good, but He never wants us to stray from Him at all. He wants us to be in tune with His Holy Spirit so that we can avoid sin, bad decisions, and ultimately heartbreak. I strayed. My quite time with Jesus diminished. My prayer life was rare and often self-centred and out of desperation. I focused on my desires rather than Christ's. There was no consistency with our relationship.. I loved Him when it was convenient, trusted Him when I had all the answers, and indulged myself in earthly satisfactions to fill the hole in my heart. Too bad everything else in light of Christ is only temporary satisfaction.

So what did I learn? And what in the world does this have to do with relationships? Jesus. Satisfaction. Those are the answers. I hadn't realised how desperate I was for love, yet I looked everywhere but God. Maybe it had something to do with my childhood. Maybe it had to do with feeling like the Jesus freak outcast in high school. Maybe it had to do with the teasing that I experience day in and day out. Maybe it's because I'm insecure and want people to think well of me. Maybe it's because I hold myself to an unrealistic standard. Or maybe it's simply because I am sinful and am determined to turn away from God (Hosea 11:2). EITHER WAY, I wasn't satisfied in God or His love. Not because His love wasn't satisfying, but because my mind was focused on being satisfied by earthly and temporary things: PEOPLE!

Relationships are beautiful. People are awesome. But they are NOT God. They never can and never will fill you the way that a relationship with God will. And I don't just use that word relationship lightly, I mean an intimate, daily, even hourly, communication with the God of Heaven, and the Jesus who lived and died for you, kind of relationship! I had to learn this the hard way. You cannot go into any type of earthly relationship looking to be filled with love or security. You will simply drain that person and put unrealistic expectations on them, because ultimately you are expecting them to fill a hole in your heart that only God can fill. Healthy relationships are made of people who have been made whole by Christ's love, and are then able to love others because of God's love in them! They don't come into any type of relationship as needy or insecure, expecting love in return for their love. That isn't unconditional, that's conditional! And we are NOT called to love people in that way!

Maybe I'm rambling and making no sense, but this is what God has shown me over the past few weeks.. He is all sufficient, all satisfying, and everything we need. Allow Him to fill you with His love, and learn to be satisfied in Him. Draw near to Him. Know the truth that is in His word. Take His promises to heart and trust Him. Learn more about who God is, and allow Him to reveal Himself to you more and more. Trust me, you'll stand in awe of Him and your heart will be AMAZED by the beauty and glory of who He is! You were created to know the God of heaven and earth! He is Emmanuel; God with us. He is El Shaddai; All sufficient!

I'm praying for you...the same prayer that Paul prayed in the book of Ephesians: I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19

You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand. Psalm 16:11 :)

"God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path He chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to His plan for complete satisfaction." - Beth Moore

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. Psalm 28:7 

Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing I desire besides You. My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever! Psalm 73:25-26

More than enduring.

This month has been full of ups and downs, highs and lows. I've been on the highest of the most beautiful of mountain tops - moments where I think life can't get any better and God would never be able to bless me any more, and then at the lowest of the darkest and uncertain valleys where I feel completely lost, alone, scared, and simply hurt. Up. Down. High. Low. Certain. Uncertain. Trust. Mistrust. Belief. Unbelief. This has literally been my heart over the past few weeks. 

Of course my faith and trust in God have all been dependent on my circumstances and emotions. Not a good idea people. BUT, praise God that He doesn't leave us in our sinful and messed up state. Thank God that He desires to mould us, that He is the Potter and we are the clay in His hands. I'm beyond thankful for this!

This trial, as I've described, has definitely been a roller coaster of a trial :) The first few weeks I tried to work things out in my own strength. I tried really hard to "fix" the situation. I even did what I knew was blatantly wrong and allowed my emotions to carry me away, thinking that things would just "work out" if it was God's will in the end. "No, my love...not how it works." Ha, thanks God. I realise that now. SOO, after another week or so, I actually realised that God was working within me to change me into a better person. Haha again! That caused me to go into this frenzy of "doing & being" a better person. All  I wanted was to be perfect, so I tried to do things the right way - still working out of my strength rather than God's. And now, here I am, realising that God's main purpose in all of this is to draw my heart to His. "You won't relent until You have it all, my heart is Yours." God won't relent until all of our heart is His, and thats exactly where I am now. He is challenging me to place HIM as a seal over my heart, as a seal over my arm, because HIS love is as strong as death. He is jealous for me, jealousy that is demanding as the grave. He desires the best for me! It burns as a blazing fire, like a mighty flame. (Song of Solomon 8:6- my paraphrase). 

ANYWHO! The point of this blog is to actually encourage you through whatever trial you may be facing. God is busy. That's the main thing I want you to know. He is busy drawing your heart closer to His, and teaching you to trust and depend on Him with every aspect of your life. 

Christ came into the world so that we could have life, and not just endure it or barely make it through, but so that we can have it abundantly. Do you see that? A b u n d a n t l y. He hasn't excluded difficult times, trials, suffering, pain, or tests from this word life. The two go hand in hand, and difficulties are woven into every single person's life. So, rather than simply enduring these trials, EMBRACE them. Do you see that one too? E m b r a c e. Realise that God is using this time to mould you, to make you better, to display His love to you more and more so you can recognise His glory. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters), whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

But now, this is what the LORD says - He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I summoned you by name, you are Mine. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour. Isaiah 43:1-3

He has made everything beautiful in it's time. Ecclesiastes 3:11

I'm praying for you!

True Love..

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3

For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is His name— the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth. Isaiah 54:5

Before I even start writing, I want to let you know that this blog is going to be very hard to write, and to organize and put into understandable words rather than my crazy thoughts. Please bear with me.

Here I go.. Dating. Boys. Crushes. The life of a teenage girl! So many girls feel that their worth or value is found by how a boy feels toward or treats them. I can attest to this. Honestly, what girl can't? I've talked to so many girls and I've heard many stories of girls who have had their heart "broken" because they placed their worth and trust in a guy. "Been there, done that, wore those sweat pants."

So, here is my view on dating. You might be surprised and kind of confused but I promise I'll do my best to explain. I don't think dating, personally, is the best thing for me right now. And to some of you who know me, you know that I've made a commitment to God not to date in high school. I've even gone as far as to not read books with love stories in them, or watch love movies. I'm basically trying to abstain from any sort of worldly portrait of love that will corrupt my view of true love. It's been VERY hard. I've had to skip out on birthday parties, on group sleep overs and a bunch of other things where girls get together and watch those kinds of movies. Not that it's wrong for everyone, but personally I can't handle them. I'm the kind of person who thinks about things a LOT. If I watch a love movie or read a story I will think and idolize that person for hours even weeks on end. I know that may sound a little creepy, but I'm betting I'm not the only one. Here are the two main reasons I've decided this is best for me. 

1)INFATUATION
I can honestly say at times, most of the time, I place the thought (since I'm not actually in a relationship) of having a relationship with a boy before God, making the thought an idol. That's where it truly becomes a problem and that's why I made a commitment to God and am trying to stick to it, "fixing our eyes on Jesus."

"Anything I put before my God is an idol. Anything I want with all my heart is an idol. Anything I can't stop thinking of is an idol. Anything that I give all of my love is an idol. We must not worship something that's not even worth it. Clear the stage and make some space for the One who deserves it." This is a song called Clear the Stage by Ross King. The lyrics bring conviction to my heart. 

“You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." Exodus 20:3-6 

     

Just to be clear, God is not jealous of us, He is jealous for us. He sees the motives of our hearts and recognizes when we displace Him as God. He sets these commands because He wants the best for us, and He knows that when anyone places their value in anything but Him, they will be broken. He is our Maker, the pioneer and perfecter of our faith. When we place our hearts, our desires, our longings in His hands, he perfects us. He shows His love to a thousand generations! 

2)SELF-SACRIFICE
"Relationships with the opposite sex can no longer be about 'having a good time' or 'learning what I want in a relationship.' They're not to be about getting, but giving. Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person like God has loved us. To lay down our desires and do what's in his or her best interest. To care for him or her even when there's nothing in it for us. To want that person's purity and holiness because it pleases God and protects him or her." Joshua Harris, I Kissed Dating Goodbye 

Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar. But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, waled quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.  Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes. "Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David. "I'm...I'm sorry, Anna, he said, staring at the floor.  "Who are these girls, David? What's going on?" she gasped. "They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now...but I've given part of my heart to each of them."  "I thought your heart was mine," she said. "It is, it is," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours." A tear rolled down Anna's cheek. Then she woke up.

This story breaks my heart. I so badly want to give my husband my whole heart, but I know I've already given part of myself away. Not necessarily physically, but mentally and emotionally. I was thinking about it just today in the car. I wish it would be as simple as knowing who I was going to marry and being able to give my whole heart to him. If only it was that easy, but it's not. I need to devote myself to waiting patiently for that person, and praying for my own purity and his. 

This is going to be the most important thing I write.. Please listen to how awesome this is! In Ezekiel 16:4-19 God is speaking specifically to Jerusalem. I think we can take this and relate it to what He says to us:
    On the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to make you clean, nor were you rubbed with salt or wrapped in cloths. No one looked on you with pity or had compassion enough to do any of these things for you. Rather, you were thrown out into the open field, for on the day you were born you were despised.
    “‘Later I passed by, and when I looked at you and saw that you were old enough for love, I spread the corner of my garment over you and covered your naked body. I gave you my solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, declares the Sovereign LORD, and you became mine. 

    “‘I bathed you with water and washed the blood from you and put ointments on you. I clothed you with an embroidered dress and put sandals of fine leather on you. I dressed you in fine linen and covered you with costly garments. I adorned you with jewelry: I put bracelets on your arms and a necklace around your neck, and I put a ring on your nose, earrings on your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. So you were adorned with gold and silver; your clothes were of fine linen and costly fabric and embroidered cloth. Your food was honey, olive oil and the finest flour. You became very beautiful and rose to be a queen. And your fame spread among the nations on account of your beauty, because the splendor I had given you made your beauty perfect, declares the Sovereign LORD.
    “‘But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his. You took some of your garments to make gaudy high places, where you carried on your prostitution. You went to him, and he possessed your beauty. You also took the fine jewelry I gave you, the jewelry made of my gold and silver, and you made for yourself male idols and engaged in prostitution with them.  And you took your embroidered clothes to put on them, and you offered my oil and incense before them. Also the food I provided for you—the flour, olive oil and honey I gave you to eat—you offered as fragrant incense before them. That is what happened, declares the Sovereign LORD. 

I'm learning that God pursues us. He takes His time to get to know us. He sees us kicking ourselves in a puddle of blood. He cleans us up, bathing us in water and cleans the blood from our faces, gently putting medicine on us. Giving us life, forming us as we grow and making us beautiful, clothing us in the most extravagant clothes and jewelry. He makes us His, giving us His eternal covenant. He tells us that He will always love us, He will never leave us. Yet we don't realize who our first love was. We were nothing before God came to us and made us into a beauty. And I dare to say we break His heart everyday, because He longs for us and yet we long for another. We use everything He gave us to fulfill our own desires and seek another man. 

I pray that every girl who is seeking their worth in a man, will fall face first and look up to see that God is the one there with open arms. Waiting to clean us up and make us His. He is the only One who can give us worth. And He deserves every part of our heart.

The Invisible War.

Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from sinful desires, which wage war against your soul. 1 Peter 2:11


There is a raging war in my mind. How about you? I'm praying God will change my thoughts and transform them into His will. My family and I are on a journey to make up for 17 years of damage that was done. Please pray for us.