Pearls.

God has been writing this story over the past 2 months. Some of it has been written at different points over the two months, and God has continued to weave the story together. My story is all for His glory. My life is a tapestry of His grace. 

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You are My daughter. 

Weeks ago I sat in front of this computer with my fingers on the keys, creating music according to the thoughts and words I saw reflected on the screen. I couldn't find the right words. The rhythm consisted of an influx of typing, a pause, and a continual pound, "delete, delete, delete..." My heart wanted to express the awe I felt of knowing that I was the daughter of God, but I didn't quite know how to do that.

He reminded me of His truth reflected through an earthly example of love and redemption. Over the past few months He has kept reminded me of this, revealing more of Himself as Daddy.

I was brought into a new family just weeks before I turned 16. This family showed me unconditional love, exemplified the patience of God's kindness, but more than that, they adored me as I was and desired me to know the full extend of God's holiness and calling on my life.

But life was not easy in the beginning. My understanding of love was completely broken. I thought that true love meant doing enough for someone, a constant striving to be good enough, to prove I possessed value, to make them love me. I was a bit of a mess. And yet this new family stuck by me. They prayed and protected me as God deconstructed my understanding of love, and replaced it with His.

I realised somewhere within the 2 and a half years of living with them, that I was truly theirs. I was the daughter of Ernie and Carey Kamber, the granddaughter of my Grams and Papa, the ones who took me as their own, no questions asked. Two years later, that was confirmed.

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It was months ago when I got the message that my grams had passed away. I was sitting in a lecture, completely unprepared, truly feeling the distance of the ocean left between me and my family. I didn't get to properly say goodbye. I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her, or hug her, or kiss her cheek. My heart was so sore. I felt like I hadn't loved her enough. I didn't get to know her well enough. I was only hers for 2 and a half years. Did she know I loved her? Did she know I was honoured to be her granddaughter? Did she know how thankful I was for raising her son in such a way that would mould him into the father he is to me today?

Even after she was gone, she affirmed that she loved me. I was her granddaughter. In her mind and heart, I was a Kamber. She left me with her pearls. Pearls that had been given to her by her mother-in-law. Pearls that held so much history. Pearls that had been in the family for decades. Pearls that had been worn by women in the Kamber family.

And now I had the privilege of hanging those pearls around my neck and wearing them on my finger.

It may seem small, but for me that was a huge moment in my life. My natural tendency was to doubt if I was truly a part of the family, but that gesture set it in stone on my heart that I am theirs.

I am a Kamber.

Last weekend I found myself sitting in a room full of women, engaging in the Word of God and seeking to hear from Him. I was a little skeptical. I wanted to hear from Him, but I didn't know how these people thought they were going to speak into my life when we had just met an hour ago. Someone asked if they could pray for me, taking her hand and placing my hand over my heart. She pressed her hand on top of mine and prayed. It was as if this woman saw into the depths of my heart, praying that God would show me that I am not His step-daughter, or seen as handicapped to Him.

Do I really view myself as a daughter of God?


In that moment I was so overwhelmed with realising how often I can fall into the trap of thinking God views me as His step-daughter... The one handicapped by sin... The one who struggles with obedience... The one who is never good enough. I think God is tired of me at times. I'm too much of a hassle. He doesn't want to hear my lousy, weak prayers again. He doesn't want to hear my tired plead for forgiveness yet again.

It was in that conference that God spoke so clearly to me through the women around me. We had a time of praying over each other and asking God to show us the true beauty and design He had for us as individuals. When they prayed over me, I was appalled at how God had shown them His desire for my life and the heart that He had created in me. They shared what God had shown them, and what He had shown them described me perfectly.

I sat there and cried. The God of the heavens knows my heart.

God knows your heart so intimately and deeply.

The God who named the stars named you, calling you His. He created you. He adopted you by not only His will, but by His pleasure. He took you from an orphaned life, not leaving you, but coming to you. He spent His life for you. He spilled His blood for you. He conquered death for you. He brought you from death to life.


If you are under His blood, You are His precious child.

Yesterday I was asked to share my testimony at a local church. As I woke up in the morning I got dressed, and delicately pulled out my pearls. I was honoured to be able to carry the Kamber family in my heart and around my neck as I shared the story that God had written. There were tears all around the congregation because people saw the earthly picture that God used to display His heart for us.

I got home and read my day word for that day - "Your story is for His glory (Hebrews 12:1-3)". In January I had prayed over the days of the year, asking God to speak to me clearly. For May 18th, God lead me to write that, of course, with Him knowing that I would share His story in my life on that morning. He once again affirmed that He is close, and that He is the Author and Perfecter of my life and my faith. All that He has done in my life is to glorify Him and to display Him as a our loving Heavenly Father.

He takes us out of our sin, our mess, our lives that never measure up - and He adopts us. He makes us His despite all that was against us. He knows us. He knows each day. He understands us. He loves us.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1a

We are His beloved children. 

For more: 1 John 3:1-3, John 14:18, Hebrews 12:1-3, Ephesians 1:3-12, Psalm 8:3-4, Isaiah 40, & Isaiah 43:7

Kamvalethu.

I was sitting on the edge of the couch, overwhelmed by my surroundings and the bleak reality that my eyes met. I spent a week at Themba Care, the government institution that housed 13 babies – sick, infected, abandoned little babies. The kids were so sick they couldn't hide it. Frail and under weight bodies, oozing ears, babies on machines, children who couldn't walk properly. I was genuinely overwhelmed. My prayer for that week was that God would reveal more and more of Himself as Father. Daddy.

Days passed and I still felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I knew there wasn't much I could do to help those children, but I played, and smiled, and laughed, and rocked, and fed, and prayed over them.

Now, I don't normally play favourites..... but... that was before I had met Kamvalethu. He was a precious little boy who was quiet and cautious at first, but so warm and friendly after we established ourselves. He couldn't speak much english and he wasn't capable of walking properly, but we got on so well. At the beginning of the week I was completely unaware that this little boy would show me exactly who I am in the eyes of God.

One afternoon we were working on developmental skills that the children needed help with, but Kamvalethu wasn't very happy with me. He had a particular toy that was going to hurt him if he had fallen or bumped into something, so I took it away from him so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Boy oh boy that child cried and fussed like it was the end of the world. He literally worked himself up so much that he was struggling to breathe and I think he could have filled a river with tears. He was so upset with me and refused to pay me any attention for the rest of the afternoon.

I was a bit hurt to be honest. He had become my little buddy and I was simply trying to protect him because I cared about him. His young mind couldn't conceptualise that though. We both had to suffer the consequences. He didn't get his toy and exhausted himself from his tempertantrum, and I was cut off from the baby I wanted to be with the most.

Months later I'm sitting in my room, trying to talk to God through my stubbornness and apologise for how strong-willed and uncooperative I've been lately, and I just had an overwhelming picture come to my mind.

The first was thinking of my high school years and my relationship with my dad. My parents are so wise and have examplified large amounts of leadership and guidance in my life, but that doesn't mean I always understood their leadership or decisions. Actually, more often than not, I bucked their authority out of the stubbornness in my heart and did what I felt was best. That would lead to arguments, frustration, and consequences. My parents are my best friends and I understand now that they love me and made certain decisions to protect me and to give me what was best. The picture I got was the pain of being separated from my parents because I was rebellious and angry because I didn't get what I had wanted in that moment. I see the pain my parents felt because I was essentially hurting myself, but more than that, I wasn't trusting them and I was pushing them away.

After thinking about that, my mind immediately went to that precious baby. Yoh it hurt my heart when he was so upset with me. I wish I could have explained to him in a way that he would have understood... I was simply protecting him. I was keeping him from hurting himself.

How often is that us though?  

We fight and kick and scream at God like little babies because we don't get our way. We don't understand Him, and we decide not to trust that He is protecting us and taking care of us. Worse than that, we tend to push Him away. 

Kamvalethu is a Xhosa name, and within the Xhosa culture children are given names with specific meaning. This child's name means “our future”. Despite his illness, I know that God has a future for him. I sat and watched that child kick and scream and throw a tempertantrum like he created it, but I couldn't help but smile because I knew this wasn't the end for him. Though he thought so, it wasn't the end of the world. He'd get over it and completely forget that I took the toy away from him. In the long run, it was better for him to experience that frustration in that moment than to have gotten hurt.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

When I looked at Kamvalethu, I couldn't help but see myself. It was like God gave me a glimpse of Himself as Daddy and me as His daughter. Stubborn, spoiled, young daughter.

A week after sitting with God and recognising myself as this stubborn, strong-willed child, I found myself sitting across the table from a beautiful young woman who finds herself lost in the same exact place. Except she doesn't want to talk to God. She doesn't understand that He is a good, loving, caring, and protecting Father. In her mind He has done nothing good for her. She's run away from Him, hard, and she doesn't know how to get back. She doesn't feel like she can go back.

I listened, affirmed, and explained so gently that just because she ran away does not mean she cannot run back. She struggles to be the mother she dreams of... she wants her children to be safe, loved, provided for, and in her care. But what if her children leave her? What if they look at their circumstances and decide that they want something else. What if they doubt her love for them based on their circumstances. Those children may leave her, but that will never take away her love for them.

I asked her if she could ever stop loving them.

She looked at me with big tears in her eyes and knew exactly where this question was going. She understood. In the same way that she would never stop loving her own children, God has never stopped loving her.

I'm reminded that God is for us. I believe that even in the most terrible of situations, God is more than willing to work it for our good. I believe that despite our sins and mistakes, God is capable of taking that evil and turning it around. The consquences and punishment we may face are intended to make us better and to mold us into the image of God. The circumstances we go through are capable of bringing us closer to God, and God labours on our behalf to make it all for our greater good. Even when we don't understand, even when it hurts, and even when we are frustrated, we can lean into the One who is trustworthy.

I think that is what truly matters to God. He wants us to trust Him and embark on every single day of our lives like it is an adventure with Him.

Through the easy days and the days that feel unbearable, He plans for your future with Him. You have been chosen by God, elected, set apart for a purpose (1 Peter 1:1-2) ... He has named you Kamvalethu in one way or another, because He is continually plotting for your future together with Him. You carry the purpose of knowing God and walking with Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39

Despite your stubbornness, doubt, sin, or anything else, God is stretching His hand out to you in love. Rather than running away from Him, He wants you to lean into His arms in absolute trust.. He is saying, "My child.... I have our future in mind..."

Lean in, rest in His arms, and trust your Daddy. 

He writes you love letters.

I'm going to be completely honest with you in this post. And that makes me feel quite vulnerable.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The past few months have been some of the loneliest months of my life. It feels like it anyway. The year started out with some of my best friends getting into serious relationships. One of them has even ended up in an engagement (yay!)! But, new relationships always bring change. I normally like change, except when my close friends aren't so close anymore. I was okay with it though, because at the time I was finding myself in a similar situation as they were - except this wasn't such a serious decision, but more of a "you're cute and make me laugh" decision that "just happened". (Thats another lesson in and of itself, don't let stuff like that just happen!) What "just happened" didn't "just work" and ended up falling apart, taking my heart with it. My friends were focused on their "other", I focused on my "other" and then had nothing to focus on, and no one to focus on me. It hurt, bad. 

Loss of friends, heart break, and so many other things have lead to a season of loneliness that I can't quite describe with words. There is something about being known by someone and knowing someone in return; learning their habits, their preferences, their humour, finishing their sentences, feeling comfortable in their presence, understanding their silence, being free and transparent in your own skin around them.

That has been absent in my life for the past few months.

At first I knew I'd be okay. This too would pass. I drew closer to God, took His word in and knew I was secure in His love, but after a few months my heart gradually hardened. I didn't understand why I was so alone. Did I do something wrong? Do people not like me? Am I hard to get along with? I started analysing everything. Somehow I had lost sight of the truth and found myself in a fit of insecurity, coming to the conclusion that it was my fault. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't funny enough. I was too emotional. Too deep. Too loud. Too talkative. Too this. Too that. Not perfect. Not good enough. Not loveable. 

Not perfect and not good enough told me that I needed to be better. I needed to be perfect, and likeable, and understood so that people would love me. I needed to change this, that, and the other to be good enough.

I took that into my relationship with God. How could He, of all "people", love me? I mess up so often. I push Him away. I'm stubborn. I don't seek Him wholeheartedly. I don't always adore Him above everything else. I'm not always patient, or trusting, or at peace. How could He love me. It felt like I needed to clean myself up. Fix my life. Make a check list and accomplish something before He would love me.

Oh how wrong I was.

Please hear me out, I'm not sharing this for my own good. This is too personal and too difficult for me to write simply because I want to talk about myself. I have a feeling that you may feel this way also, or have felt this way at one point in your life. And one thing I'm sure of: You will experience this at some point in your life.

Loneliness is inevitable. Whether you are single and 20 something, or married and have kids clinging to you at any point in the day, you will experience loneliness.

And because of that, I want you to know that you are adored.

I was laying in bed, avoiding God and trying to focus on something other than the pain of feeling misunderstood and unknown, but He wouldn't leave me alone (I'm thankful for that).

I write you love letters, Corina.

I will pursue you, Corina.

You are altogether lovely, Corina.

He writes you love letters, beloved. 

My love,
I made you in My image and My likeness, giving you value and worth (Genesis 1:26). I formed you, and give you life by breathing you into being (Genesis 2:7). I saw that what I had created was good, and I blessed you (Genesis 1:28, 31). Don't you see the value you have? Don't you see that I adore you, because you are My creation? I knit you together while you were in your mothers womb. I knew you intimately even there (Psalm 139:13). I set you apart - something only I can do - and give your life a purpose (Jeremiah 1:5). I chose you as my servant so that you could know Me, and believe Me, and understand who I am: God. The only God and Saviour (Isaiah 43:10-11). But even when you deserted Me for temporary satisfaction and pleasure, I came to search for you. "Where are you?", I called (Genesis 3:9). I made a sacrifice, killing the first animal, so that your sin would be atoned for. I killed one of my creations so that we could still be in a relationship. More than that, you became my enemy (Romans 5:6-8). I knew you intimately, like a husband knows his wife, but you prostituted yourself and ran from Me (Ezekiel 16; Hosea 4:10-13). But I sent My very own Son to reconcile our relationship and to bring you from death to life (Ephesians 2:1-5). Do you not know that I love you? And despite your sin, I know you and I am familiar with all your ways (Psalm 139:1-3). I have not forgotten you (Isaiah 44:21). I have swept away your offences and your sins. I have called you to return to Me (Isaiah 44:22). I have made you into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I have given you a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26). I've made a covenant with you, a promise that you will be My people, and I will be your God. You will be able to have a relationship with Me from the depths of your new heart (Jeremiah 31:31-34). All because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Because I have drawn you with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 31:3-4). I promise you many things. I will never, ever leave you (Hebrews 13:5). I will take care of you, carry you close to My heart and tend to you (Isaiah 40:11). Remember that I made you, I will carry you, sustain you and rescue you (Isaiah 46:4). I am the God who created the stars and everything in the heavens. I am the God who gives you strength when you are weary and weak (Isaiah 40:29; 2 Corinthians 12:8-10). I am the God of all comfort and the Father of compassion (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I understand what you go through and I can sympathise with your pain (Hebrews 4:15). I am your freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). I took you from slavery, broke the chains around your neck, and enabled you to walk with your head held high (Leviticus 26:13). Cling to Me, I am faithful (Hebrews 10:23). Talk to Me, tell Me about your worries and cares because I care for you (1 Peter 5:7). When you are Mine, I do not leave you condemned (Romans 8:1). My love for you is unconditional, and I take joy when you put your hope in My love (Psalm 147:11).

How beautiful you are, My darling! Oh how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. Like a lily among thorns is My darling among the maidens. All beautiful you are, My darling; there is no flaw in you (Song of Songs 1:15; 2:2; 4:7).

In my season of loneliness I am reminded that He writes me love letters. They say more about Him than they do about me, and these love letters fixate my eyes on my King, my Prince, my Everything. The One who knows me in all of my imperfections, yet loves me as He loves His Son.

That is the key to being content in a season of loneliness: Knowing the truth found in God's love letter to you, you are known and loved.

How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming (Song of Songs 2:16).

He writes you love letters, beloved. 

When God pursues.

Yesterday was crazy. I'm still processing it all.

We had just come back from a day at the orphanage, and I was sitting on the step outside of the seminary. I looked up when I heard a younger woman quietly say excuse me. She was probably just a few years older than me, and her daughter was clutching her hand. She was almost whispering when she asked me where the home was for abused women. I knew exactly where it was, but my thoughts were going to a million different things in one moment. I was drawing up various pictures of what this beautiful woman's life could have looked like.

I did my best to explain directions to her, but really felt it would be best to walk with her. So we walked. It was terribly awkward. I wanted to be sweet and gentle with her, but the fact that we were walking together to this home was painfully obvious to the both of us. It hurt. She wouldn't look at me much, even when I asked her questions. She avoided eye contact with me, and I could see shame written all over her face and demeanor. When we made it to the home I stood with her to make sure she got in fine. I hugged her and tried to make eye contact as I asked for her name, but she just muttered quietly under her breath and walked through the gate, avoiding looking at me at all.

I was so overwhelmed, and didn't know what else to do but pray. It was one of those Holy Spirit interceding for me moments, because I had no idea what to say, much less process what had happened and all of it's implications.

About an hour later I was laying in bed, so comfortable that I didn't want to get up.... then I heard a familiar knock on the door. After he pounded 6 or 7 times I finally got out of bed, only to find this beautiful girl at my door. I was shocked. She walked a little way with me and said that she wanted to thank me for walking with her earlier, she felt it was the polite thing to do. This time she was looking me in the eyes from time to time, making eye contact and then looking back at her feet again and again. I could tell she was about to burst. I hugged her and it was as if she melted. Her body language changed immediately and I felt her soften in my arms. She was sobbing but trying so hard to pull herself together. I grabbed my shoes and we sat on my beloved jungle gym (I spend a lot of time in the sun there) and we spoke. I didn't even initiate the conversation, much less ask questions. She just started talking. Telling me her story and some of the heart-breaking circumstances she's been through. I was done for after the first few sentences. Neither of us could keep the tears from flowing. She told me about her children, her family, her struggles, and her disbelief in God. I listened, and cried, and truly felt for this woman. I shared my story, my battles, and my experiences. I also shared about my loving Jesus who is not like an absent or unconcerned biological father or a brutal step-father who rapes a child, but a kind, gentle, perfect, compassionate and righteous Father who is ever present, always listening, and absolutely FOR His children... so much for them that He pursued, and sacrificed, and DIED to bind up their broken hearts shattered by sin.

She just cried. We both just cried.

The timid and shame-filled woman I had met simply an hour ago was completely different before me now, making eye contact, sharing her story, and getting glimpses into the dignity and worth she carries because of her Maker. She labeled herself as useless and dirty because of the actions of those around her. She carries their sins as her shame, but that is not the woman that she is.

She shared with me that at the woman's home there had been no social workers, simply a pastor. And she didn't want to speak to them because they were a pastor. But I believe whole heartedly that God was there, pursuing her precious heart in that moment. Drawing her to Himself. And for some reason she came back to me. God pursued her in that moment also, by His grace, using my brokenness and my story and heartache to shine light and hope and LOVE to her.

She asked me to introduce her to this Jesus that I was friends with.

That's how God works.

He pursues, and loves, and heals, and sends.

Once again, I experienced this Jesus in the streets. With people who are messy, hurt and broken.

Please pray for this beautiful woman. I could see her strength. I could see her beauty. She has a Bible now. Pray that she would be selfish in seeking the help that she needs. Pray that she would be removed from the abusive situation and that her and her children would be safe. Pray for her healing, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Pray that she would experience the love and mercy of God in all of it's truth, recognising her desperation for Christ and the grace and love that God wants to so willingly lavish upon her. Pray that she would be healed, and that those who have produced the abuse would experience sorrow that leads to repentance and salvation. PLEASE pray that God's word would hide itself in her heart and change her, love her, heal her, and send her for His purposes. I know that God will heal and use her story as a testimony for His glory and as an advocate for abuse.

Held.

I remember sitting on her lap like a 6 year old girl. Up to that point this would have been an awkward gesture for the both of us. But we had struggled through enough in that past year to feel anything slightly awkward or uncomfortable. I was 16 years old, I think, and had been crying out every ounce of salt water my eyes could possibly conjure up. I had been up in my room thinking...memories of my past were flooding my mind vividly. To the point that I wasn't able to hold in my emotions any longer. And I just needed arms to hold me.

And she held me like I was her own.

(This was written before they had taken me in.
Please excuse my 8th grade grammar. It's terrible, I know.)

After months of struggling to find my place and how I fit into this new family, we were finally sweeping up the egg shells that we had been walking on. It took a huge blow-out fight. I tested their love for me and said every ugly thing my mind and heart had ever felt to adults as a whole who hadn't loved me like they should have. It was painful. My words were harsh and directed at the woman who had taken me into her home and out of my abuse drenched life. It seemed that everyone who had ever claimed to love me, left me. Cold. Mean. Hurt. Broken. This new family said that they had loved me. But I was convinced that they hadn't seen the real me, and that if they did, they would also leave me.

But she held me like I was her own.

That embrace brought healing. It was a battle through 16 years that left me with a distorted view of love.

But that embrace is only a glimpse into the way Jesus wraps His love around me.

I remember one afternoon that was particularly difficult. I was once again replaying the past and feeling quite defeated. I was laying down with my baby brother for his afternoon nap. He was about 2 at the time. I couldn't stop thinking and my head was flooded with emotions. I prayed and cried, telling God that I felt so alone and hurt. I just wanted to be in His arms in perfection, not having to worry about any of this brokenness. I just wanted to be close to Him.

In that exact moment my baby brother rolled over and got as close to me as he possibly could. He lifted my shirt and put as much of his warm belly on my cold skin and threw his arms around me. He tucked his head into my chest and just held onto me.

And somehow, in that moment, God held the two of us like we were His own.

People say adoption changes lives. I can testify to that.

Unconditional love, when rooted and established in it, allows people to flourish. The heart of adoption is unconditional love. And the Father of unconditional love is God. 

This is a prayer that Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, to the Gentiles, those who had been adopted into God's family. 

For this reason I kneel in prayer before the Father, in whom every family on heaven and earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He would strengthen you by the power of the Holy Spirit - yes the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead - so that He may dwell, live, and make His home in your heart. I pray that you would be deeply rooted and established in God's love so you can better understand and continually grasp the height, depth, width, and length of His love in all of it's perfection. All so that you can be filled to the absolute fullness of God! This love surpasses all knowledge.

And God, the Father of this love, can do immeasurably and abundantly more than we could ever ask or even dream of, according to His power that works in us. To HIM be the glory forever, and ever, and ever, amen. Ephesians 3:14 - 21 (my paraphrase).

You are adopted and chosen by God, before the foundations of the world. Not just because it was His will, but because it is His absolute joy and pleasure. Ephesians 1:4 - 5 (my paraphrase).

I promise you, He holds you because you are His own.

Homesick for Heaven.

I really shouldn't be writing a blog right now since I have tons of assignments and exams to study for... but I know I won't sleep until I get this written so I'm doing it now. Oh boy I've missed home so much the past week. I've obviously met many many new people in the past 2 months, and every time I meet a new person it reminds me of the people I've left at home. I've been able to go out and spend time with people my age, and getting to know them is a blessing from God. I truly am thankful for them and the new friendships I've made, but it makes me think about my BEST friends who are oceans away. I moved onto campus Sunday and by Tuesday evening I was sick with a tummy bug. Other students who live on campus came and took care of me, checking up on me and making sure I had everything I needed. It was so genuine of them, but it made me miss home, my own bed, and my mommy.


Sometimes I feel so foreign. I feel as if I'm on another planet, miles and miles away from people who understand me and know me. That has been the most difficult part of all of this, is the fact that no one really knows me here. No one truly understands who I am. Not yet at least, and I realize I must have patience. It's still difficult.


And then God reminds me yet again who He is. He tells me, "I KNOW YOU." He knows my laugh. He knows why I giggle and that I giggle at everything and anything, even when things aren't funny. He knows how my toes spread out when I stand up and how insecure I am about them. He knows how I have a tan line on my right arm under my Passion 2012 bracelet. He knows how half of the time I don't understand what people are saying to me, so I politely nod and act like I understand. He knows every hair on my head. He knows my thoughts before I think them, yet listens to me day in and day out. He understands what I mean when I talk about being awkward. He knows the deepest parts of my past, and I love that He knows. He's the only person I'm completely comfortable talking about it to. He knows my dreams and I trust Him completely with my future.


From the perspective of a young woman, I know how my heart desires to find the man I will marry. And this is simply because that man will stand by me until death parts us. My husband will be my absolute best friend and will know me like no other person on earth. Even God says it's not good for man to be alone, so He made Adam a helper. But the friendship I will have with my husband is just a shadow of the relationship Christ desires to have with me now. Death will never part me from Christ but bring us closer. I can't even describe how I am so in love with this man. I'm amazed how He loves me. He understands me. He wants to talk to me. He listens to my every thought and the cry of my heart. And you know what? He wants to know you. His heart longs to speak to you daily. He can fill any desire in your heart and bring you to complete satisfaction and contentment. He will stay by you faithfully and always care for you. So, even when the world doesn't understand you completely or know your true self, Christ does. He so desires for you to know Him too.


I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19


Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. Psalm 73:25

Unfaithful.

Unfaithful. Adulteress. Vile. Guilty. This is the wife I've been to Christ. Unfaithful, because He seeks me and chases me, loving me with all the love in the world, yet I worship idols rather than Him. Adulteress, because He gives me life, food, health, and breath. He sustains me and cares for me. He desires simply to have a relationship with me but I desire love from anyone but Him. Vile, because my life and sin in His eyes is unbearable and heart breaking. It's atrocious and nauseating, causing His wrath to be toward me. Guilty, because my sin is undeniable. My need for Christ is undeniable. The fact that He is worthy and that He is Lord is undeniable.

Hear the word of the LORD, you Israelites, because the LORD has a charge to bring against you who live in the land: "There is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land." Hosea 4:1

The LORD said to me, "Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her the way the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes." Hosea 3:1 

Woe to them, because they have strayed from Me! Destruction to them, because they have rebelled against Me! I long to redeem them but they speak lies against Me. Hosea 6:13

My people are determined to turn from Me. Even if they call to the Most High, He will by no means exalt them. How can I give you up? How can I hand you over? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zebolim? My heart is changed within Me; all my compassion is aroused. I will not carry out my fierce anger, nor will I turn and devastate you. For I am God, and not man- the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath. Hosea 11:7-9

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them. Hosea 11:4

But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always. Hosea 12:6

Oh how Christ seeks after you. He will never relent. He will pursue you every second of every day, even when you are determined not to accept His love. But eventually you will realize it is Him who bends down to feed and love you. It is Him who desires and longs to redeem you from your sinful life. Return to your God and wait from Him always, because He waited for you. 

Holding His hand.

Children are my passion. I love everything about them. Learning, playing, laughing, being silly, even misbehaving, and especially forming relationships. It's one of my favorite things when I see a child out in town from daycare, and they remember me by name. I can't explain how my heart smiles.

But my relationship with God can be compared to children in so many different ways. And I will have revelations while holding a child's hand, feeding a 2 month old baby, teaching a toddler their manners, and being yelled at or ignored by a preschooler. My relationship with them is somewhat of a reflection of my relationship with Christ. He wanted to love me, when I was in the womb growing and developing, when I was a small baby not able to do anything for Him but expect care. Growing more and more in my sinful nature without having to be taught. I can not imagine the pain and remorse my Father felt as I let go of His hands holding me, and walked my own way.

The children that I have been around, for only a few weeks have grown on me. I love them, and care for them. I can't explain how I feel like they are my own. How much more does our Heavenly Father love us.

Hosea 11:1-3; 7-9

1 "When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son.

2 But the more I called Israel, the further they went from me. They sacrificed to the Baals and they burned incense to images.

3 It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms; but they did not realize it was I who healed them.

4 I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them.

7 My people are determined to turn from me. Even if they call to the Most High, he will by no means exalt them.

8 "How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zeboiim? My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused.

9 I will not carry out my fierce anger, nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim. For I am God, and not man— the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath.

I wish I could completely understand this: The Greek word for love in verse 1 is Ahav, and means a lot of different things. To love, desire, delight, like, be fond of, covet, be beloved, amiable, to be a passionate lover or paramour. It implies an intensely devoted, eager, or enthusiastic mindset and a tenderness of affection. It describes the close attachment between parents and children, and the close ties of friendship. It denotes a strong emotional attachment for and a desire to be in the presence of the object of love.

To think that God has all of that, towards us!! This love is indescribable. All the words in the world can't even describe it.

God our Father loved and called us by name, summoned us to Him, as His own child. He taught us how to stand, to walk, to talk. He lead us by the arms, holding us and helping us stand. His mighty arms and hands held ours. He healed us from every sickness we can think of. Yet we paid no attention and walked away. He kept calling us, yet we ignored Him or chose to leave Him. We were determined. He loved us, and lifted the yoke off of our necks, placing it on His Son's. Providing for us, giving us the foods we need. We were determined to turn away from Him, yet He never gives us up, He never hands us over, He doesn't treat us differently. He is God and He loves us unlike a man would. Oh, how He loves us.