Security and worth.

We've bought into a lie that has promised us security.

But in return we're being destroyed, slowly but surely.

We're continually wanting our security to be tanglible, and obvious, and affectionate. Something we can hold and grasp onto. We want it to be affirmed now. We've been raised in a world that tells us our security is based on another's opinion of us. Perfectionism has noted every mistake, error, fault, flaw, and blemish in and on us like a check list against us. We've been whispered to by our ugly culture, believing that our worth is based on our beauty, or sex appeal, or the amount of attention the opposite sex gives. So what do our hearts do? They reach out. They try to check our lists and get more checks on the “good” side rather than on the ugly side that we tend to think is reality - what defines us. We reach out for affection and affirmation from our check lists, the attention we're given, the compliments we recieve. We want people to adore us, our faults and our failures included.

And that's normal.

But if that is what determines our worth, it's not healthy.

Not when our heart loses sight of the love our Father has for us.

Our sight tends to fixate on the now, and we've been swept up into a continual cycle of affirmation and condemnation. Leaving us dependant and desperate for those around us to dictate who we are and the amount of worth we possess.

BUT...

Our worth is not determined based on what others around us confirm or think. Our worth, Lord, is found in the fact that “You know me...and You are familiar with all my ways.” You know us. You've searched us. You have created us intimately and intentionally. You see us in what we think is absolute darkness and failure and loss – but it is all light to you. You saw us while we were unformed, yet every single day of our lives were written in Your book. And through it all, You laid Your hand upon us and You never leave. Never. (Psalm 139)

That alone confirms my security and worth.

That alone confirms your security and worth.

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. Psalm 112:7-8

Don't buy into the that lie your heart or the world around you screams. Renew your mind to His truth.

He knows you, and loves you more in this moment than anyone could love you in an entire lifetime. You've been lavishly loved! 

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1a

The beautiful.

Pain, and frustration and hurt that cut so deep it felt like I was dying inside. Thoughts constantly throwing me back and forth, deeper and deeper into sadness and anger and what felt like hopelessness. I felt like I was being held under water and had no power to help myself out. Or like my feet where stuck in sinking sand and the rest of my body was destined to follow. And then God was reminding me to be joyful during this pain, and it felt like He didn't understand, and how could He ask me to choose joy when all I wanted was to mourn? All I wanted to do was put to death that chapter in my life. I felt vulnerable and shameful and dirty. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. For a while, every breath I took reminded me of the choice that I had to live with, and the pain that came with that choice. Hopeless. I felt absolutely hopeless.

But now, I'm on the other side. I mourned, and put to death that chapter in my life. Maybe I didn't have the power to pull myself out of my whirlwind of emotions and pain, but God did. I was stuck on repeat like a scratched CD. I was rereading the same page of a familiar old book. And now I realise why God kept whispering joy and peace to me..and I'm so thankful He was persistent in pulling me back into His arms and wiping my tears, speaking comfort and truth and hope to my raging heart. I understand now.

He is faithful. 

He makes all things work together for our good. 

He loves His children deeply and has prosperous plans for us. 

Joy in pain is a choice. Peace in the storm is trust. None of us can naturally experience joy or peace. It is a choice. Unbelief is the instinct of our deceitful heart. But peace and joy says "You are faithful, You make all things work together for my good and I know that You are my Heavenly Father, my daddy who loves me deeply. I will have peace, because You are in control and You can make this beautiful for Your glory. I will have joy, because I know that You are good". 

Do you want to hear about some of my favourite things? I'm glad you said yes. Rain and autumn. Rain, and dancing, and jumping in puddles, and catching raindrops in my mouth. Growing up I always loved dancing in the rain and getting soaking wet and jumping in every puddle I could see. It thrilled me! It still does.. sadly, though, South Africa's rainy season is right in the middle of it's harsh and cold winter. Autumn, and the bright and radiant orange/red/yellows that fill every mountain and every tree, the autumn that fills the air with a crisp freshness that words can't quite describe. But do you know what autumn essentially is? Death. Yet it brings me so much joy. Just like Jesus died and rose 3 days later, the seasons of a year reflect the beauty of death and 3 seasons later, bring spring, new life, new leaves, green and lush. 

There will always be seasons of death and pain and sorrow, but my beloved HOLD ON! Dance in the rain, jump in the puddles, hold onto the fact that the rain will stop and the sun will come back out and SHINE radiantly on you! The leaves may be beautiful, but they will fall and abandon the trees bare and grey and ugly, but beloved they will grow back beautifully and fill the tree again. 

You may be going through a very difficult time in life, but I want to encourage you to claim the peace and joy God is stretching out to you. Trust Him...allow Him to fill you with His hope. You will make it through this. You will come out stronger, closer, and deeper to God and reflect Him more and more. Please know that you will be okay. You'll be even better than okay, you'll shine more beautifully and display His glory brightly through it all. He remains faithful and constant. He is always.

I'm praying for you!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Satisfaction.

Relationships. Yup, I'm going there. Now, before you jump to conclusions and assume I'm simply talking about romantic, lovey dovey relationships, know that I'm not! This is about relationships in general, and applies to the relationships you have with different types of people - friends, parents, a significant other, acquaintances, etc.

Let's just say that recently God has really been busy in my heart. It hasn't been the most fun, but it has been stretching and I'm thankful for that! God always wants to grow us and mould us to look more like His Son Jesus! So after I got myself into a silly situation, made mistakes, didn't use all of my brain, allowed my emotions to dictate my decisions, and ultimately ended up hurt, God opened my eyes to His hand moving in my life. Take note of this please: God does use our mistakes for His ultimate good, but He doesn't desire for us to make those mistakes in the first place (Thank you daddy for reminding me of this). God is gracious and He does make everything work for our good, but He never wants us to stray from Him at all. He wants us to be in tune with His Holy Spirit so that we can avoid sin, bad decisions, and ultimately heartbreak. I strayed. My quite time with Jesus diminished. My prayer life was rare and often self-centred and out of desperation. I focused on my desires rather than Christ's. There was no consistency with our relationship.. I loved Him when it was convenient, trusted Him when I had all the answers, and indulged myself in earthly satisfactions to fill the hole in my heart. Too bad everything else in light of Christ is only temporary satisfaction.

So what did I learn? And what in the world does this have to do with relationships? Jesus. Satisfaction. Those are the answers. I hadn't realised how desperate I was for love, yet I looked everywhere but God. Maybe it had something to do with my childhood. Maybe it had to do with feeling like the Jesus freak outcast in high school. Maybe it had to do with the teasing that I experience day in and day out. Maybe it's because I'm insecure and want people to think well of me. Maybe it's because I hold myself to an unrealistic standard. Or maybe it's simply because I am sinful and am determined to turn away from God (Hosea 11:2). EITHER WAY, I wasn't satisfied in God or His love. Not because His love wasn't satisfying, but because my mind was focused on being satisfied by earthly and temporary things: PEOPLE!

Relationships are beautiful. People are awesome. But they are NOT God. They never can and never will fill you the way that a relationship with God will. And I don't just use that word relationship lightly, I mean an intimate, daily, even hourly, communication with the God of Heaven, and the Jesus who lived and died for you, kind of relationship! I had to learn this the hard way. You cannot go into any type of earthly relationship looking to be filled with love or security. You will simply drain that person and put unrealistic expectations on them, because ultimately you are expecting them to fill a hole in your heart that only God can fill. Healthy relationships are made of people who have been made whole by Christ's love, and are then able to love others because of God's love in them! They don't come into any type of relationship as needy or insecure, expecting love in return for their love. That isn't unconditional, that's conditional! And we are NOT called to love people in that way!

Maybe I'm rambling and making no sense, but this is what God has shown me over the past few weeks.. He is all sufficient, all satisfying, and everything we need. Allow Him to fill you with His love, and learn to be satisfied in Him. Draw near to Him. Know the truth that is in His word. Take His promises to heart and trust Him. Learn more about who God is, and allow Him to reveal Himself to you more and more. Trust me, you'll stand in awe of Him and your heart will be AMAZED by the beauty and glory of who He is! You were created to know the God of heaven and earth! He is Emmanuel; God with us. He is El Shaddai; All sufficient!

I'm praying for you...the same prayer that Paul prayed in the book of Ephesians: I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19

You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand. Psalm 16:11 :)

"God surpasses our dreams when we reach past our personal plans and agenda to grab the hand of Christ and walk the path He chose for us. He is obligated to keep us dissatisfied until we come to His plan for complete satisfaction." - Beth Moore

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. Psalm 28:7 

Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing I desire besides You. My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever! Psalm 73:25-26

Beautiful disaster.

I wish I could sit here and confidently write that the story of my life is all about a young woman who is fearless. That I very rarely make mistakes, and when I do I always learned my lesson right away. I'm organized and always on time. I never complain and I always have a good attitude. I take huge risks and trust God immensely with every part of my life and I would never dare question His will for my life.

If you know me, you'd be laughing at that last paragraph.

This is the real story of my life: I am fearful of many many many things. I am constantly making mistakes day in and day out, and most of the time I have to be hit over the head a few times until I learn my lesson. My life is a mess, I'm constantly going or doing something. I never manage to be on time unless I'm a few hours early. I complain about almost everything that doesn't go my way and I can be a very grumpy person more often than not. I like to stay in my comfort zone and trust God with the small parts of my life so I don't have to experience discomfort or pain. I question His will for my life every single day, sometimes hourly.

BUT thankfully, my life isn't about me. It's a story about redemption and an unconditional love that will never relent. It's all about a God who sees my fear, and uses His Holy Spirit to push me to overcome my fears so that His love will be made perfect in me. My mistakes show His grace and that even when I push myself away from Him, He died for me anyways. That's true love. Even when my life is a complete wreck His peace is powerful in my life. With every complaint I utter, God reminds me that He is enough for me. He is enough to satisfy everyone. Who am I to not be joyful about that? Who am I to question God's plans? Who am I to not trust Him with my life?

I'm nobody. I'm a mess. I'm a disaster. I can't do anything right. I make endless mistakes and get myself into huge perdicaments. I'm rotten and spoiled. I don't trust and I don't love. And all of those things are what make my life story all about God. He chose me. He used my nothingness to show that He is something! He took my life and made it beautiful. I'm His mess and His disaster. He is molding me by my mistakes and pruning me of my rotten and spoiled outlook on life. He is softening my heart to trust Him in a way unimaginable. I'm learning how to fall in love.

I don't want to know what my life would be without You Lord. I don't want to run away from what You've called me to. I want to fall so madly in love with You that I chase after you, even though that means I have to lose my life. I pour my life out completely to You. I'll give You all of me, so that it won't be my life but Yours.


But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. Philippians 2:17