Pearls.

God has been writing this story over the past 2 months. Some of it has been written at different points over the two months, and God has continued to weave the story together. My story is all for His glory. My life is a tapestry of His grace. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are My daughter. 

Weeks ago I sat in front of this computer with my fingers on the keys, creating music according to the thoughts and words I saw reflected on the screen. I couldn't find the right words. The rhythm consisted of an influx of typing, a pause, and a continual pound, "delete, delete, delete..." My heart wanted to express the awe I felt of knowing that I was the daughter of God, but I didn't quite know how to do that.

He reminded me of His truth reflected through an earthly example of love and redemption. Over the past few months He has kept reminded me of this, revealing more of Himself as Daddy.

I was brought into a new family just weeks before I turned 16. This family showed me unconditional love, exemplified the patience of God's kindness, but more than that, they adored me as I was and desired me to know the full extend of God's holiness and calling on my life.

But life was not easy in the beginning. My understanding of love was completely broken. I thought that true love meant doing enough for someone, a constant striving to be good enough, to prove I possessed value, to make them love me. I was a bit of a mess. And yet this new family stuck by me. They prayed and protected me as God deconstructed my understanding of love, and replaced it with His.

I realised somewhere within the 2 and a half years of living with them, that I was truly theirs. I was the daughter of Ernie and Carey Kamber, the granddaughter of my Grams and Papa, the ones who took me as their own, no questions asked. Two years later, that was confirmed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was months ago when I got the message that my grams had passed away. I was sitting in a lecture, completely unprepared, truly feeling the distance of the ocean left between me and my family. I didn't get to properly say goodbye. I didn't get to tell her how much I loved her, or hug her, or kiss her cheek. My heart was so sore. I felt like I hadn't loved her enough. I didn't get to know her well enough. I was only hers for 2 and a half years. Did she know I loved her? Did she know I was honoured to be her granddaughter? Did she know how thankful I was for raising her son in such a way that would mould him into the father he is to me today?

Even after she was gone, she affirmed that she loved me. I was her granddaughter. In her mind and heart, I was a Kamber. She left me with her pearls. Pearls that had been given to her by her mother-in-law. Pearls that held so much history. Pearls that had been in the family for decades. Pearls that had been worn by women in the Kamber family.

And now I had the privilege of hanging those pearls around my neck and wearing them on my finger.

It may seem small, but for me that was a huge moment in my life. My natural tendency was to doubt if I was truly a part of the family, but that gesture set it in stone on my heart that I am theirs.

I am a Kamber.

Last weekend I found myself sitting in a room full of women, engaging in the Word of God and seeking to hear from Him. I was a little skeptical. I wanted to hear from Him, but I didn't know how these people thought they were going to speak into my life when we had just met an hour ago. Someone asked if they could pray for me, taking her hand and placing my hand over my heart. She pressed her hand on top of mine and prayed. It was as if this woman saw into the depths of my heart, praying that God would show me that I am not His step-daughter, or seen as handicapped to Him.

Do I really view myself as a daughter of God?


In that moment I was so overwhelmed with realising how often I can fall into the trap of thinking God views me as His step-daughter... The one handicapped by sin... The one who struggles with obedience... The one who is never good enough. I think God is tired of me at times. I'm too much of a hassle. He doesn't want to hear my lousy, weak prayers again. He doesn't want to hear my tired plead for forgiveness yet again.

It was in that conference that God spoke so clearly to me through the women around me. We had a time of praying over each other and asking God to show us the true beauty and design He had for us as individuals. When they prayed over me, I was appalled at how God had shown them His desire for my life and the heart that He had created in me. They shared what God had shown them, and what He had shown them described me perfectly.

I sat there and cried. The God of the heavens knows my heart.

God knows your heart so intimately and deeply.

The God who named the stars named you, calling you His. He created you. He adopted you by not only His will, but by His pleasure. He took you from an orphaned life, not leaving you, but coming to you. He spent His life for you. He spilled His blood for you. He conquered death for you. He brought you from death to life.


If you are under His blood, You are His precious child.

Yesterday I was asked to share my testimony at a local church. As I woke up in the morning I got dressed, and delicately pulled out my pearls. I was honoured to be able to carry the Kamber family in my heart and around my neck as I shared the story that God had written. There were tears all around the congregation because people saw the earthly picture that God used to display His heart for us.

I got home and read my day word for that day - "Your story is for His glory (Hebrews 12:1-3)". In January I had prayed over the days of the year, asking God to speak to me clearly. For May 18th, God lead me to write that, of course, with Him knowing that I would share His story in my life on that morning. He once again affirmed that He is close, and that He is the Author and Perfecter of my life and my faith. All that He has done in my life is to glorify Him and to display Him as a our loving Heavenly Father.

He takes us out of our sin, our mess, our lives that never measure up - and He adopts us. He makes us His despite all that was against us. He knows us. He knows each day. He understands us. He loves us.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1a

We are His beloved children. 

For more: 1 John 3:1-3, John 14:18, Hebrews 12:1-3, Ephesians 1:3-12, Psalm 8:3-4, Isaiah 40, & Isaiah 43:7

Kamvalethu.

I was sitting on the edge of the couch, overwhelmed by my surroundings and the bleak reality that my eyes met. I spent a week at Themba Care, the government institution that housed 13 babies – sick, infected, abandoned little babies. The kids were so sick they couldn't hide it. Frail and under weight bodies, oozing ears, babies on machines, children who couldn't walk properly. I was genuinely overwhelmed. My prayer for that week was that God would reveal more and more of Himself as Father. Daddy.

Days passed and I still felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I knew there wasn't much I could do to help those children, but I played, and smiled, and laughed, and rocked, and fed, and prayed over them.

Now, I don't normally play favourites..... but... that was before I had met Kamvalethu. He was a precious little boy who was quiet and cautious at first, but so warm and friendly after we established ourselves. He couldn't speak much english and he wasn't capable of walking properly, but we got on so well. At the beginning of the week I was completely unaware that this little boy would show me exactly who I am in the eyes of God.

One afternoon we were working on developmental skills that the children needed help with, but Kamvalethu wasn't very happy with me. He had a particular toy that was going to hurt him if he had fallen or bumped into something, so I took it away from him so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Boy oh boy that child cried and fussed like it was the end of the world. He literally worked himself up so much that he was struggling to breathe and I think he could have filled a river with tears. He was so upset with me and refused to pay me any attention for the rest of the afternoon.

I was a bit hurt to be honest. He had become my little buddy and I was simply trying to protect him because I cared about him. His young mind couldn't conceptualise that though. We both had to suffer the consequences. He didn't get his toy and exhausted himself from his tempertantrum, and I was cut off from the baby I wanted to be with the most.

Months later I'm sitting in my room, trying to talk to God through my stubbornness and apologise for how strong-willed and uncooperative I've been lately, and I just had an overwhelming picture come to my mind.

The first was thinking of my high school years and my relationship with my dad. My parents are so wise and have examplified large amounts of leadership and guidance in my life, but that doesn't mean I always understood their leadership or decisions. Actually, more often than not, I bucked their authority out of the stubbornness in my heart and did what I felt was best. That would lead to arguments, frustration, and consequences. My parents are my best friends and I understand now that they love me and made certain decisions to protect me and to give me what was best. The picture I got was the pain of being separated from my parents because I was rebellious and angry because I didn't get what I had wanted in that moment. I see the pain my parents felt because I was essentially hurting myself, but more than that, I wasn't trusting them and I was pushing them away.

After thinking about that, my mind immediately went to that precious baby. Yoh it hurt my heart when he was so upset with me. I wish I could have explained to him in a way that he would have understood... I was simply protecting him. I was keeping him from hurting himself.

How often is that us though?  

We fight and kick and scream at God like little babies because we don't get our way. We don't understand Him, and we decide not to trust that He is protecting us and taking care of us. Worse than that, we tend to push Him away. 

Kamvalethu is a Xhosa name, and within the Xhosa culture children are given names with specific meaning. This child's name means “our future”. Despite his illness, I know that God has a future for him. I sat and watched that child kick and scream and throw a tempertantrum like he created it, but I couldn't help but smile because I knew this wasn't the end for him. Though he thought so, it wasn't the end of the world. He'd get over it and completely forget that I took the toy away from him. In the long run, it was better for him to experience that frustration in that moment than to have gotten hurt.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

When I looked at Kamvalethu, I couldn't help but see myself. It was like God gave me a glimpse of Himself as Daddy and me as His daughter. Stubborn, spoiled, young daughter.

A week after sitting with God and recognising myself as this stubborn, strong-willed child, I found myself sitting across the table from a beautiful young woman who finds herself lost in the same exact place. Except she doesn't want to talk to God. She doesn't understand that He is a good, loving, caring, and protecting Father. In her mind He has done nothing good for her. She's run away from Him, hard, and she doesn't know how to get back. She doesn't feel like she can go back.

I listened, affirmed, and explained so gently that just because she ran away does not mean she cannot run back. She struggles to be the mother she dreams of... she wants her children to be safe, loved, provided for, and in her care. But what if her children leave her? What if they look at their circumstances and decide that they want something else. What if they doubt her love for them based on their circumstances. Those children may leave her, but that will never take away her love for them.

I asked her if she could ever stop loving them.

She looked at me with big tears in her eyes and knew exactly where this question was going. She understood. In the same way that she would never stop loving her own children, God has never stopped loving her.

I'm reminded that God is for us. I believe that even in the most terrible of situations, God is more than willing to work it for our good. I believe that despite our sins and mistakes, God is capable of taking that evil and turning it around. The consquences and punishment we may face are intended to make us better and to mold us into the image of God. The circumstances we go through are capable of bringing us closer to God, and God labours on our behalf to make it all for our greater good. Even when we don't understand, even when it hurts, and even when we are frustrated, we can lean into the One who is trustworthy.

I think that is what truly matters to God. He wants us to trust Him and embark on every single day of our lives like it is an adventure with Him.

Through the easy days and the days that feel unbearable, He plans for your future with Him. You have been chosen by God, elected, set apart for a purpose (1 Peter 1:1-2) ... He has named you Kamvalethu in one way or another, because He is continually plotting for your future together with Him. You carry the purpose of knowing God and walking with Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39

Despite your stubbornness, doubt, sin, or anything else, God is stretching His hand out to you in love. Rather than running away from Him, He wants you to lean into His arms in absolute trust.. He is saying, "My child.... I have our future in mind..."

Lean in, rest in His arms, and trust your Daddy. 

When God pursues.

Yesterday was crazy. I'm still processing it all.

We had just come back from a day at the orphanage, and I was sitting on the step outside of the seminary. I looked up when I heard a younger woman quietly say excuse me. She was probably just a few years older than me, and her daughter was clutching her hand. She was almost whispering when she asked me where the home was for abused women. I knew exactly where it was, but my thoughts were going to a million different things in one moment. I was drawing up various pictures of what this beautiful woman's life could have looked like.

I did my best to explain directions to her, but really felt it would be best to walk with her. So we walked. It was terribly awkward. I wanted to be sweet and gentle with her, but the fact that we were walking together to this home was painfully obvious to the both of us. It hurt. She wouldn't look at me much, even when I asked her questions. She avoided eye contact with me, and I could see shame written all over her face and demeanor. When we made it to the home I stood with her to make sure she got in fine. I hugged her and tried to make eye contact as I asked for her name, but she just muttered quietly under her breath and walked through the gate, avoiding looking at me at all.

I was so overwhelmed, and didn't know what else to do but pray. It was one of those Holy Spirit interceding for me moments, because I had no idea what to say, much less process what had happened and all of it's implications.

About an hour later I was laying in bed, so comfortable that I didn't want to get up.... then I heard a familiar knock on the door. After he pounded 6 or 7 times I finally got out of bed, only to find this beautiful girl at my door. I was shocked. She walked a little way with me and said that she wanted to thank me for walking with her earlier, she felt it was the polite thing to do. This time she was looking me in the eyes from time to time, making eye contact and then looking back at her feet again and again. I could tell she was about to burst. I hugged her and it was as if she melted. Her body language changed immediately and I felt her soften in my arms. She was sobbing but trying so hard to pull herself together. I grabbed my shoes and we sat on my beloved jungle gym (I spend a lot of time in the sun there) and we spoke. I didn't even initiate the conversation, much less ask questions. She just started talking. Telling me her story and some of the heart-breaking circumstances she's been through. I was done for after the first few sentences. Neither of us could keep the tears from flowing. She told me about her children, her family, her struggles, and her disbelief in God. I listened, and cried, and truly felt for this woman. I shared my story, my battles, and my experiences. I also shared about my loving Jesus who is not like an absent or unconcerned biological father or a brutal step-father who rapes a child, but a kind, gentle, perfect, compassionate and righteous Father who is ever present, always listening, and absolutely FOR His children... so much for them that He pursued, and sacrificed, and DIED to bind up their broken hearts shattered by sin.

She just cried. We both just cried.

The timid and shame-filled woman I had met simply an hour ago was completely different before me now, making eye contact, sharing her story, and getting glimpses into the dignity and worth she carries because of her Maker. She labeled herself as useless and dirty because of the actions of those around her. She carries their sins as her shame, but that is not the woman that she is.

She shared with me that at the woman's home there had been no social workers, simply a pastor. And she didn't want to speak to them because they were a pastor. But I believe whole heartedly that God was there, pursuing her precious heart in that moment. Drawing her to Himself. And for some reason she came back to me. God pursued her in that moment also, by His grace, using my brokenness and my story and heartache to shine light and hope and LOVE to her.

She asked me to introduce her to this Jesus that I was friends with.

That's how God works.

He pursues, and loves, and heals, and sends.

Once again, I experienced this Jesus in the streets. With people who are messy, hurt and broken.

Please pray for this beautiful woman. I could see her strength. I could see her beauty. She has a Bible now. Pray that she would be selfish in seeking the help that she needs. Pray that she would be removed from the abusive situation and that her and her children would be safe. Pray for her healing, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Pray that she would experience the love and mercy of God in all of it's truth, recognising her desperation for Christ and the grace and love that God wants to so willingly lavish upon her. Pray that she would be healed, and that those who have produced the abuse would experience sorrow that leads to repentance and salvation. PLEASE pray that God's word would hide itself in her heart and change her, love her, heal her, and send her for His purposes. I know that God will heal and use her story as a testimony for His glory and as an advocate for abuse.

Held.

I remember sitting on her lap like a 6 year old girl. Up to that point this would have been an awkward gesture for the both of us. But we had struggled through enough in that past year to feel anything slightly awkward or uncomfortable. I was 16 years old, I think, and had been crying out every ounce of salt water my eyes could possibly conjure up. I had been up in my room thinking...memories of my past were flooding my mind vividly. To the point that I wasn't able to hold in my emotions any longer. And I just needed arms to hold me.

And she held me like I was her own.

(This was written before they had taken me in.
Please excuse my 8th grade grammar. It's terrible, I know.)

After months of struggling to find my place and how I fit into this new family, we were finally sweeping up the egg shells that we had been walking on. It took a huge blow-out fight. I tested their love for me and said every ugly thing my mind and heart had ever felt to adults as a whole who hadn't loved me like they should have. It was painful. My words were harsh and directed at the woman who had taken me into her home and out of my abuse drenched life. It seemed that everyone who had ever claimed to love me, left me. Cold. Mean. Hurt. Broken. This new family said that they had loved me. But I was convinced that they hadn't seen the real me, and that if they did, they would also leave me.

But she held me like I was her own.

That embrace brought healing. It was a battle through 16 years that left me with a distorted view of love.

But that embrace is only a glimpse into the way Jesus wraps His love around me.

I remember one afternoon that was particularly difficult. I was once again replaying the past and feeling quite defeated. I was laying down with my baby brother for his afternoon nap. He was about 2 at the time. I couldn't stop thinking and my head was flooded with emotions. I prayed and cried, telling God that I felt so alone and hurt. I just wanted to be in His arms in perfection, not having to worry about any of this brokenness. I just wanted to be close to Him.

In that exact moment my baby brother rolled over and got as close to me as he possibly could. He lifted my shirt and put as much of his warm belly on my cold skin and threw his arms around me. He tucked his head into my chest and just held onto me.

And somehow, in that moment, God held the two of us like we were His own.

People say adoption changes lives. I can testify to that.

Unconditional love, when rooted and established in it, allows people to flourish. The heart of adoption is unconditional love. And the Father of unconditional love is God. 

This is a prayer that Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, to the Gentiles, those who had been adopted into God's family. 

For this reason I kneel in prayer before the Father, in whom every family on heaven and earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He would strengthen you by the power of the Holy Spirit - yes the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead - so that He may dwell, live, and make His home in your heart. I pray that you would be deeply rooted and established in God's love so you can better understand and continually grasp the height, depth, width, and length of His love in all of it's perfection. All so that you can be filled to the absolute fullness of God! This love surpasses all knowledge.

And God, the Father of this love, can do immeasurably and abundantly more than we could ever ask or even dream of, according to His power that works in us. To HIM be the glory forever, and ever, and ever, amen. Ephesians 3:14 - 21 (my paraphrase).

You are adopted and chosen by God, before the foundations of the world. Not just because it was His will, but because it is His absolute joy and pleasure. Ephesians 1:4 - 5 (my paraphrase).

I promise you, He holds you because you are His own.

The Who and how.

Sometimes I get caught up in the dishes, picking up the mess on the floor, e-mails I must reply to, the person I must phone, writing assignments, reading, reading, reading, going to church, from church, and to church again, the emotions, the mood-swings, the endlessly fleeting yet consuming circumstances, and then I simply forget. Often, actually. I forget His faithfulness. I forget the places I've been, the history, the small and the big miracles, the difficult and the beautiful situations, the demonstrations of His love and grace in my life. My little heart gets so caught up in the here and now, that I forget The Who and how. He has been so so faithful, and tonight, my heart has been reminded. 

It was exactly a year ago that I was on the verge of breaking. Rather, I was broken, completely distraught and frustrated and empty. The circumstances felt absolutely unbearable. The only logical solution, in my mind, was to jump on a plane, hand in hand with my father and go back to my family, my home, my comfort-zone. "It's logical," I reasoned. I told myself it was the only way out of this terrible pit I was stuck in. But once again, I forgot about The Who and how I got here. I forgot of His faithfulness and the testimony He was the author of. How could I lose sight of the beautiful story that was hand-written by God? 

It was exactly two years ago that my heart burned to be wherever God was calling. Blinded by God for dependancy and trust, I had nothing else to hold but His hand. He would shine just enough light for the next step, then left me with darkness, faith, trust, and patience as I clung to His word and His promises. Then in His timing, He'd shine just enough light again. I really learned to lean on Him. I knew God was leading me to another country that I would call home, but what about the where, when, and how? "Shhh My daughter.." Oh how I remember His word: Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. Habakkuk 1:5 And He showed me, boy oh boy did He show me! South Africa, repeatedly. Two South African pastors visited our church within 6 months. A youth camp that showed videos, faces, places filled with everything that was South African, a devotional book with a photo of Cape Town and the beautiful face of a girl who is now a dear, dear friend. God was the author of this story, orchestrating and demonstrating His sovereignty and divinity! He is The Who and how of my story, His story.  

I couldn't help but well up with thankfulness and joy as my hands were covered in dish soap and my heart giddy, pondering His faithfulness tonight. It's in the cleaning up, the assignment writing, the e-mails and phone calls, the frustrations and joys of every circumstance that our hearts must remember His faithfulness. 

I'm still here, I'm still in this beautiful city that God created me to pass through, and I can't help but praise Him for His orchestration, His hand prints, His divine intervention into my plans and dreams to place me in this WONDERFUL city I call home. Had I not looked back, this story may have been twisted and different. But once again, my heart caught a glimpse of His faithfulness.

Don't forget His faithfulness. Step back, clear your mind, and remind yourself of every single faithful act God has accomplished in your life. Look back at your history and watch - and be utterly amazed. For He has done something in your days that is unbelievable, a demonstration of His power, His faithfulness. Adjust your focus from the here and now, be reminded and focus on The Who and how of the story He has written and is currently writing! 

Just a little look back over the past year:
The youth girls I get to work with regularly. I've had many many proud "mommy" moments when I am amazed at the growth and maturity of these girls. I love love love seeing them fall in love with Jesus and serve Him in everything they do. It's such a privilege to walk with them.

My precious lovelies who we were able to serve many times last year through soup and clothing. But also through love and laughs and giggles as I spoke afrikaans to them and they sat on my lap and played with my hair and interlocked their fingers into mine. Love love love these four girls! 




A semester at Arise Ministries was challenging and frustrating at times, but so rewarding. Funny enough, I loved the "naughty" children the most, and they clung to me. All the playing, jumping, and chasing was amazing, but the teaching and talking about Jesus was my absolute favourite. 

The "Orphanage" in Gugulethu. I love visiting this place! Not only for the fun and playing with the kids, or them repeatedly yelling "umlungu, umlungu" (white person in Xhosa) at me, but because of the way these people love Jesus and demonstrate His love to the world. It's been a honour to help in any way possible - digging in the garden, hanging washing on the line and folding it, helping to make lunch, jumping on the trampoline with the kids. Such a blessing!

And this is where my heart was stolen. Themba Care, just feet away from where I sleep every night. I've never ever had to face such tragedy and pain, but I've also never experienced the depth of God's love than when these children are in my arms! His compassion for us is like the compassion that an infant brings in a parent. 

Opened doors.

Where do I start? I'm so excited to write this blog! God just gave me an "aha" moment and now I'm scrambling to find the right words to express what He's shown me. Okay, I'll start from the beginning... Every year the seminary has a "missions week" and all the students are placed into different groups that go into different communities with various ministry opportunities. This year I was placed in a group of two, to go to a care centre for young children who have HIV/AIDS or who are terminally ill with sickness. I was reading through information about the centre and, to put it simply, the home was founded by the government to provide a place for these children to die peacefully and in a loving environment. Yeah, let that sink in. Thankfully times have changed and there is medicine to help children who are HIV positive, allowing them to grow and thrive for as long as possible.

Today Paulette and I went to the centre to "check it out" and see what's happening there. Lets just say I almost had an emotional break down right there in front of the nice lady showing us around. If you know me, you know I love children and especially the young ones! I really don't think I can even start to explain what I saw...

Okay, but back to the point of why I'm writing this.. After the sweet woman introduced us to all the workers she showed us the play room. We walked in and I was immediately greeted by a very young and handsome 2 year old boy. I introduced myself and asked what his name was, but didn't get an answer. He simply looked at me (I was down at his level at this point). After a few seconds of "checking me out" he took my legs, spread them, turned around, and backed himself up to my chest and got as close as he could to me and then put my arms around him. I was in heaven...nothing beats that feeling! He just wanted to be close to someone. After a few minutes of staying like that he decided that he wanted a chair so that he could sit with the other young kids. I didn't even think twice about it, I went and got that child a chair!

Yesterday I was walking to my flat and I saw Matthew (one of the small children who live on campus with his grandfather) and he immediately ran up to me and greeted me with a sweet "Hello auntie Corina".. (one of my favourite things to hear!). After that we played for a while on the jungle gym and then we said our goodbyes and I went to make supper. After maybe 5 minutes Matthew simply walked into my flat and insisted that I come play with him again. How could I say no? I enjoyed pushing him on the swing and chasing him around...but I also knew I had a test to study for! So after a few more minutes I told him goodbye again and went to study for my test. Annnnnnd maybe 10 minutes later I had a little Matthew in my bedroom insisting again that "auntie Corina you must come play with me". This little one came into the front door without knocking and straight into my room to come and get me. I don't think I've had that much fun in a while!

So this evening I was just sitting and thinking about what I experienced the past few evenings with the little kids and God opened my eyes to more about Him as a Father. You see, God loves us as His children... He DELIGHTS in us! He wants what is best for us...He wants to give us good gifts and care for us. He wants us to be joyful and satisfied. I was immediately reminded of these two passages this evening:

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him! Matthew 7:11

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:16

I didn't think twice about letting that little boy nestle up to me..and I probably would have knelt there as long as he wanted to! I didn't think about asking if I should get a chair down for him or not, I simply did because I knew that's what he wanted (and I was sure it would be fine :) ). When Matthew insisted that I play with him, I always went. I enjoyed it! Both of these children were bold with me. The one didn't say much to me, but used his own little hands to put me where he wanted me and to put himself where he wanted! Matthew didn't even knock - He came straight to me :)

We as God's children should feel comfortable with Him to ask Him for what we need! He desires for us to be fulfilled IN HIM. He wants to show us His love. He wants us to know Him, to trust Him, to speak to Him. He wants to give us His joy. He wants His peace to rule our hearts. He wants us to walk through this life in the midst of His presence and in His will. Plain and simply, He delights in us when we are satisfied in Him! Don't be afraid to ask God for these things. He is your Daddy! He loves you and wants to give good gifts to you. He wants to give you life and life in abundance!

The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love. Psalm 147:11

Hand Written.

You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts. 2 Corinthians 3:3

I may not be sitting next to you and you may not be able to hear my voice, but you are hand written into my heart by the Spirit of God. Please, never forget that.

I can feel my baby brothers arms around my neck. His whole body hangs as he giggles and wiggles with me. I can feel his big slobbery kisses all over my face. I can hear him running up to me saying, "Sissy missed you, sissy missed you." Or running up the stairs to come pester me. I can see him sleeping next to me with one eye open or tossing from his dreams.

I can hear my Dad's laughter from downstairs. I can feel his hugs and his kisses that always reassured me that I am his and that he loves me. I can see him sitting next to me at the dinner table, leading our family in prayer. Or the way he would pull me into his lap and just sit with me in comfortable silence.  I can hear his silly jokes and his stern voice. I can remember the long conversations we'd have and the times we snuck out of the house to get ice cream.

I can see my Mom sitting across the room from me. I can see her big smile and goofy faces she'd make at me. I can feel her laying next to me in my bed when I just needed a friend. Or listening to me talk for hours because life didn't make sense to me and I wanted her wisdom. I can smell her perfume and see her sitting on the opposite side of the church, the both of us looking at each other and knowing exactly what the other was thinking. I can see her tripping or knocking into something and laughing for days about it.

I can feel my brother sitting on top of me and ticking me until I was about to pee myself. I can hear him mocking and making fun of me, showing me what a big brother is all about. I can remember feeling his absence when he went to boot camp for the army. I can feel letters in my hand and my excitement that he signed "I love you" at the end of his letters. I feel his arm tightly around me, protecting me, and showing that I am his sister, no matter what.

I can remember long car rides with my big sister. I can hear her voice giving me advice in life of how to not settle for anything. I feel the impact she's had in my life and I know I'm where I am today because of her. I can see her beauty inside and out and admire her as a little sister. 

I can hear the kids upstairs playing while the adults are downstairs. I see my Pops wearing his famous tie die t-shirt and red and green sneakers to Christmas dinner and hear Grams calling me Sabrina for 3 months straight. I can see and smell my aunt cooking in the kitchen. I can hear the men laughing at commercials and yelling at the football game on t.v. I can see everyone filling their plates with food and sitting together. I can feel every kiss on the cheek, every hug, hear every giggle and each voice saying "I love you" and meaning it.

I can feel the wind in my hair as we drive to church with the worship music as loud as possible, belting out the words and singing like nothing mattered. I can see a beautiful girl come from death to life and witness Jesus change her life. I can feel the awkwardness between us as we break down every wall we've built up. I can feel the laughter in my belly as we lay in her bed late at night and joke about anything and everything. I can hear her words, her tears, her hurt, her joy, her ambitions and her love in her voice and laugh. 

I can remember meeting a little girl who is now grown into a young woman with influence in her peers lives. I feel my best friend's arms around me at awkward moments. I hear all the silly things she's ever said or moments when she doesn't understand something. I hear her deep laugh that sounds like a man. I see her heart and her compassion for people. I hear her voice reading the Bible to me and telling me what God was doing in her life. I can see her rolling around in the snow, or racing me on the sleds. I felt her pain as she faced one of the hardest times of her life. I see her love, genuine and pure love towards me.

I can hear her sweet soft voice all around me. I can see her family gathered together in the living room, including me in everything they do as if I was their own daughter. I can hear her mom's laugh, her daddy's southern accent, her sisters giggles. I can feel her hand in mine as we pray for one another together. I hear her sing in the car. I can see her get shy and play with her hair. I can hear the country music playing in the car, and I can see the sun setting in front of us as we talk about the desires of our heart and God's will for our lives. "You'll never not be my girl.." runs through my head when I think about her.

I can feel the Spirit in me and all around me, His presence makes me light headed as I stand to worship. I see a group of men and women standing before me, committing themselves to praise and worship in our church. I hear the congregation behind me, some sitting, some standing, some singing and some clapping, and some in silence. I hear the Pastor preach the word of God with power and I am amazed to watch my church family respond to God. I see people who have spent their time with me. People who have prayed for me. People who have LOVED me. I see their faces. I hear their voices. 

Unfaithful.

Unfaithful. Adulteress. Vile. Guilty. This is the wife I've been to Christ. Unfaithful, because He seeks me and chases me, loving me with all the love in the world, yet I worship idols rather than Him. Adulteress, because He gives me life, food, health, and breath. He sustains me and cares for me. He desires simply to have a relationship with me but I desire love from anyone but Him. Vile, because my life and sin in His eyes is unbearable and heart breaking. It's atrocious and nauseating, causing His wrath to be toward me. Guilty, because my sin is undeniable. My need for Christ is undeniable. The fact that He is worthy and that He is Lord is undeniable.

Hear the word of the LORD, you Israelites, because the LORD has a charge to bring against you who live in the land: "There is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgment of God in the land." Hosea 4:1

The LORD said to me, "Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her the way the LORD loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred raisin cakes." Hosea 3:1 

Woe to them, because they have strayed from Me! Destruction to them, because they have rebelled against Me! I long to redeem them but they speak lies against Me. Hosea 6:13

My people are determined to turn from Me. Even if they call to the Most High, He will by no means exalt them. How can I give you up? How can I hand you over? How can I treat you like Admah? How can I make you like Zebolim? My heart is changed within Me; all my compassion is aroused. I will not carry out my fierce anger, nor will I turn and devastate you. For I am God, and not man- the Holy One among you. I will not come in wrath. Hosea 11:7-9

I led them with cords of human kindness, with ties of love; I lifted the yoke from their neck and bent down to feed them. Hosea 11:4

But you must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always. Hosea 12:6

Oh how Christ seeks after you. He will never relent. He will pursue you every second of every day, even when you are determined not to accept His love. But eventually you will realize it is Him who bends down to feed and love you. It is Him who desires and longs to redeem you from your sinful life. Return to your God and wait from Him always, because He waited for you.