Kamvalethu.

I was sitting on the edge of the couch, overwhelmed by my surroundings and the bleak reality that my eyes met. I spent a week at Themba Care, the government institution that housed 13 babies – sick, infected, abandoned little babies. The kids were so sick they couldn't hide it. Frail and under weight bodies, oozing ears, babies on machines, children who couldn't walk properly. I was genuinely overwhelmed. My prayer for that week was that God would reveal more and more of Himself as Father. Daddy.

Days passed and I still felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I knew there wasn't much I could do to help those children, but I played, and smiled, and laughed, and rocked, and fed, and prayed over them.

Now, I don't normally play favourites..... but... that was before I had met Kamvalethu. He was a precious little boy who was quiet and cautious at first, but so warm and friendly after we established ourselves. He couldn't speak much english and he wasn't capable of walking properly, but we got on so well. At the beginning of the week I was completely unaware that this little boy would show me exactly who I am in the eyes of God.

One afternoon we were working on developmental skills that the children needed help with, but Kamvalethu wasn't very happy with me. He had a particular toy that was going to hurt him if he had fallen or bumped into something, so I took it away from him so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Boy oh boy that child cried and fussed like it was the end of the world. He literally worked himself up so much that he was struggling to breathe and I think he could have filled a river with tears. He was so upset with me and refused to pay me any attention for the rest of the afternoon.

I was a bit hurt to be honest. He had become my little buddy and I was simply trying to protect him because I cared about him. His young mind couldn't conceptualise that though. We both had to suffer the consequences. He didn't get his toy and exhausted himself from his tempertantrum, and I was cut off from the baby I wanted to be with the most.

Months later I'm sitting in my room, trying to talk to God through my stubbornness and apologise for how strong-willed and uncooperative I've been lately, and I just had an overwhelming picture come to my mind.

The first was thinking of my high school years and my relationship with my dad. My parents are so wise and have examplified large amounts of leadership and guidance in my life, but that doesn't mean I always understood their leadership or decisions. Actually, more often than not, I bucked their authority out of the stubbornness in my heart and did what I felt was best. That would lead to arguments, frustration, and consequences. My parents are my best friends and I understand now that they love me and made certain decisions to protect me and to give me what was best. The picture I got was the pain of being separated from my parents because I was rebellious and angry because I didn't get what I had wanted in that moment. I see the pain my parents felt because I was essentially hurting myself, but more than that, I wasn't trusting them and I was pushing them away.

After thinking about that, my mind immediately went to that precious baby. Yoh it hurt my heart when he was so upset with me. I wish I could have explained to him in a way that he would have understood... I was simply protecting him. I was keeping him from hurting himself.

How often is that us though?  

We fight and kick and scream at God like little babies because we don't get our way. We don't understand Him, and we decide not to trust that He is protecting us and taking care of us. Worse than that, we tend to push Him away. 

Kamvalethu is a Xhosa name, and within the Xhosa culture children are given names with specific meaning. This child's name means “our future”. Despite his illness, I know that God has a future for him. I sat and watched that child kick and scream and throw a tempertantrum like he created it, but I couldn't help but smile because I knew this wasn't the end for him. Though he thought so, it wasn't the end of the world. He'd get over it and completely forget that I took the toy away from him. In the long run, it was better for him to experience that frustration in that moment than to have gotten hurt.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

When I looked at Kamvalethu, I couldn't help but see myself. It was like God gave me a glimpse of Himself as Daddy and me as His daughter. Stubborn, spoiled, young daughter.

A week after sitting with God and recognising myself as this stubborn, strong-willed child, I found myself sitting across the table from a beautiful young woman who finds herself lost in the same exact place. Except she doesn't want to talk to God. She doesn't understand that He is a good, loving, caring, and protecting Father. In her mind He has done nothing good for her. She's run away from Him, hard, and she doesn't know how to get back. She doesn't feel like she can go back.

I listened, affirmed, and explained so gently that just because she ran away does not mean she cannot run back. She struggles to be the mother she dreams of... she wants her children to be safe, loved, provided for, and in her care. But what if her children leave her? What if they look at their circumstances and decide that they want something else. What if they doubt her love for them based on their circumstances. Those children may leave her, but that will never take away her love for them.

I asked her if she could ever stop loving them.

She looked at me with big tears in her eyes and knew exactly where this question was going. She understood. In the same way that she would never stop loving her own children, God has never stopped loving her.

I'm reminded that God is for us. I believe that even in the most terrible of situations, God is more than willing to work it for our good. I believe that despite our sins and mistakes, God is capable of taking that evil and turning it around. The consquences and punishment we may face are intended to make us better and to mold us into the image of God. The circumstances we go through are capable of bringing us closer to God, and God labours on our behalf to make it all for our greater good. Even when we don't understand, even when it hurts, and even when we are frustrated, we can lean into the One who is trustworthy.

I think that is what truly matters to God. He wants us to trust Him and embark on every single day of our lives like it is an adventure with Him.

Through the easy days and the days that feel unbearable, He plans for your future with Him. You have been chosen by God, elected, set apart for a purpose (1 Peter 1:1-2) ... He has named you Kamvalethu in one way or another, because He is continually plotting for your future together with Him. You carry the purpose of knowing God and walking with Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39

Despite your stubbornness, doubt, sin, or anything else, God is stretching His hand out to you in love. Rather than running away from Him, He wants you to lean into His arms in absolute trust.. He is saying, "My child.... I have our future in mind..."

Lean in, rest in His arms, and trust your Daddy. 

He writes you love letters.

I'm going to be completely honest with you in this post. And that makes me feel quite vulnerable.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The past few months have been some of the loneliest months of my life. It feels like it anyway. The year started out with some of my best friends getting into serious relationships. One of them has even ended up in an engagement (yay!)! But, new relationships always bring change. I normally like change, except when my close friends aren't so close anymore. I was okay with it though, because at the time I was finding myself in a similar situation as they were - except this wasn't such a serious decision, but more of a "you're cute and make me laugh" decision that "just happened". (Thats another lesson in and of itself, don't let stuff like that just happen!) What "just happened" didn't "just work" and ended up falling apart, taking my heart with it. My friends were focused on their "other", I focused on my "other" and then had nothing to focus on, and no one to focus on me. It hurt, bad. 

Loss of friends, heart break, and so many other things have lead to a season of loneliness that I can't quite describe with words. There is something about being known by someone and knowing someone in return; learning their habits, their preferences, their humour, finishing their sentences, feeling comfortable in their presence, understanding their silence, being free and transparent in your own skin around them.

That has been absent in my life for the past few months.

At first I knew I'd be okay. This too would pass. I drew closer to God, took His word in and knew I was secure in His love, but after a few months my heart gradually hardened. I didn't understand why I was so alone. Did I do something wrong? Do people not like me? Am I hard to get along with? I started analysing everything. Somehow I had lost sight of the truth and found myself in a fit of insecurity, coming to the conclusion that it was my fault. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't funny enough. I was too emotional. Too deep. Too loud. Too talkative. Too this. Too that. Not perfect. Not good enough. Not loveable. 

Not perfect and not good enough told me that I needed to be better. I needed to be perfect, and likeable, and understood so that people would love me. I needed to change this, that, and the other to be good enough.

I took that into my relationship with God. How could He, of all "people", love me? I mess up so often. I push Him away. I'm stubborn. I don't seek Him wholeheartedly. I don't always adore Him above everything else. I'm not always patient, or trusting, or at peace. How could He love me. It felt like I needed to clean myself up. Fix my life. Make a check list and accomplish something before He would love me.

Oh how wrong I was.

Please hear me out, I'm not sharing this for my own good. This is too personal and too difficult for me to write simply because I want to talk about myself. I have a feeling that you may feel this way also, or have felt this way at one point in your life. And one thing I'm sure of: You will experience this at some point in your life.

Loneliness is inevitable. Whether you are single and 20 something, or married and have kids clinging to you at any point in the day, you will experience loneliness.

And because of that, I want you to know that you are adored.

I was laying in bed, avoiding God and trying to focus on something other than the pain of feeling misunderstood and unknown, but He wouldn't leave me alone (I'm thankful for that).

I write you love letters, Corina.

I will pursue you, Corina.

You are altogether lovely, Corina.

He writes you love letters, beloved. 

My love,
I made you in My image and My likeness, giving you value and worth (Genesis 1:26). I formed you, and give you life by breathing you into being (Genesis 2:7). I saw that what I had created was good, and I blessed you (Genesis 1:28, 31). Don't you see the value you have? Don't you see that I adore you, because you are My creation? I knit you together while you were in your mothers womb. I knew you intimately even there (Psalm 139:13). I set you apart - something only I can do - and give your life a purpose (Jeremiah 1:5). I chose you as my servant so that you could know Me, and believe Me, and understand who I am: God. The only God and Saviour (Isaiah 43:10-11). But even when you deserted Me for temporary satisfaction and pleasure, I came to search for you. "Where are you?", I called (Genesis 3:9). I made a sacrifice, killing the first animal, so that your sin would be atoned for. I killed one of my creations so that we could still be in a relationship. More than that, you became my enemy (Romans 5:6-8). I knew you intimately, like a husband knows his wife, but you prostituted yourself and ran from Me (Ezekiel 16; Hosea 4:10-13). But I sent My very own Son to reconcile our relationship and to bring you from death to life (Ephesians 2:1-5). Do you not know that I love you? And despite your sin, I know you and I am familiar with all your ways (Psalm 139:1-3). I have not forgotten you (Isaiah 44:21). I have swept away your offences and your sins. I have called you to return to Me (Isaiah 44:22). I have made you into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I have given you a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26). I've made a covenant with you, a promise that you will be My people, and I will be your God. You will be able to have a relationship with Me from the depths of your new heart (Jeremiah 31:31-34). All because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Because I have drawn you with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 31:3-4). I promise you many things. I will never, ever leave you (Hebrews 13:5). I will take care of you, carry you close to My heart and tend to you (Isaiah 40:11). Remember that I made you, I will carry you, sustain you and rescue you (Isaiah 46:4). I am the God who created the stars and everything in the heavens. I am the God who gives you strength when you are weary and weak (Isaiah 40:29; 2 Corinthians 12:8-10). I am the God of all comfort and the Father of compassion (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I understand what you go through and I can sympathise with your pain (Hebrews 4:15). I am your freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). I took you from slavery, broke the chains around your neck, and enabled you to walk with your head held high (Leviticus 26:13). Cling to Me, I am faithful (Hebrews 10:23). Talk to Me, tell Me about your worries and cares because I care for you (1 Peter 5:7). When you are Mine, I do not leave you condemned (Romans 8:1). My love for you is unconditional, and I take joy when you put your hope in My love (Psalm 147:11).

How beautiful you are, My darling! Oh how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. Like a lily among thorns is My darling among the maidens. All beautiful you are, My darling; there is no flaw in you (Song of Songs 1:15; 2:2; 4:7).

In my season of loneliness I am reminded that He writes me love letters. They say more about Him than they do about me, and these love letters fixate my eyes on my King, my Prince, my Everything. The One who knows me in all of my imperfections, yet loves me as He loves His Son.

That is the key to being content in a season of loneliness: Knowing the truth found in God's love letter to you, you are known and loved.

How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming (Song of Songs 2:16).

He writes you love letters, beloved. 

Patience my love.

The past few weeks have been filled with waiting. Waiting on answered prayers. Waiting on direction from the Lord. Waiting to hear if I had a job. Waiting to find the right car. Waiting for this season of loneliness to pass. Waiting for God to heal, orchestrate, and weave my desires into His will. 

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

But, the thing is, I'm not really the waiting type of person. When I want something, I normally go out and get it. If I don't like how something is going, I go fix it. I don't like sitting around and waiting for something to happen. I guess you could say patience and I aren't much of friends. I value patience, but I don't necessarily like it. 

After an accumulation of waiting for small things, I got a bit angry with God. Things haven't necessarily gone my way this year. The simple fact is that some things are out of my control and in God's, but when that reality hits me in the face, I tend to get frustrated that I can't do anything about it.

God and I had a short conversation, and after me doing all the talking, I told Him I was mad at Him and that I wasn't going to talk to Him until I got what I wanted. Really mature, I know. But at that point in time my heart was really hurting and I was simply frustrated with my circumstances. I just wanted a break.

Patience was a reminder like the throbbing of a fresh wound. It hurt.

And, after a week or two of being angry and stubborn with God, I apologised. We sat and had a long chat, in which I finally shut up and listened to His heart. Listening to His heart beat for me overpowered the pain of my hurting heart, and I realised patience was for my good. Because He adores me.

I'm not going to pretend like I've got everything together. I'm definitely not going to pretend like my relationship with God is always peaches and cream, or that I don't get upset, angry or hurt at times either. But I do know that He is in control, and that even when things don't go my way, they are going for my good. And in that I can rest, and enjoy patience.

If you're in a season of waiting I want to encourage you to wait with God. Don't run away from Him because things aren't going your way or you aren't getting what you want. Allow your lack of control to motivate yourself to lean into Him more. Listen to His heart beat for you. Know the truth to change your impatient heart: He absolutely adores you as His son or daughter. He is working on your behalf. Wait with Him.

Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides You, who acts on behalf of those who wait for Him. Isaiah 64:4

He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those who have young. Do you not know? Have you not heard? Has it not been told you from the beginning? Have you not understood since the earth was founded? "To whom will you compare Me? Or who is My equal?" says the Holy One. Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? Who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Because of His great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. Isaiah 40:11, 21, 25-26

Our God created the heavens, galaxies, earth - everything, all the way down to the atoms that you are made of. He created the stars, and calls every single one of them by name. Who can you compare Him to? Yet this is the same God who tells you that He carries you close to His heart, in His arms, tending to you and leading you. This is the God who promises you that if you wait, He will act on your behalf. 

When you're waiting, lift your eyes and look to the heavens. Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith, and know that God is working for your good.

Patience my love. 

When God pursues.

Yesterday was crazy. I'm still processing it all.

We had just come back from a day at the orphanage, and I was sitting on the step outside of the seminary. I looked up when I heard a younger woman quietly say excuse me. She was probably just a few years older than me, and her daughter was clutching her hand. She was almost whispering when she asked me where the home was for abused women. I knew exactly where it was, but my thoughts were going to a million different things in one moment. I was drawing up various pictures of what this beautiful woman's life could have looked like.

I did my best to explain directions to her, but really felt it would be best to walk with her. So we walked. It was terribly awkward. I wanted to be sweet and gentle with her, but the fact that we were walking together to this home was painfully obvious to the both of us. It hurt. She wouldn't look at me much, even when I asked her questions. She avoided eye contact with me, and I could see shame written all over her face and demeanor. When we made it to the home I stood with her to make sure she got in fine. I hugged her and tried to make eye contact as I asked for her name, but she just muttered quietly under her breath and walked through the gate, avoiding looking at me at all.

I was so overwhelmed, and didn't know what else to do but pray. It was one of those Holy Spirit interceding for me moments, because I had no idea what to say, much less process what had happened and all of it's implications.

About an hour later I was laying in bed, so comfortable that I didn't want to get up.... then I heard a familiar knock on the door. After he pounded 6 or 7 times I finally got out of bed, only to find this beautiful girl at my door. I was shocked. She walked a little way with me and said that she wanted to thank me for walking with her earlier, she felt it was the polite thing to do. This time she was looking me in the eyes from time to time, making eye contact and then looking back at her feet again and again. I could tell she was about to burst. I hugged her and it was as if she melted. Her body language changed immediately and I felt her soften in my arms. She was sobbing but trying so hard to pull herself together. I grabbed my shoes and we sat on my beloved jungle gym (I spend a lot of time in the sun there) and we spoke. I didn't even initiate the conversation, much less ask questions. She just started talking. Telling me her story and some of the heart-breaking circumstances she's been through. I was done for after the first few sentences. Neither of us could keep the tears from flowing. She told me about her children, her family, her struggles, and her disbelief in God. I listened, and cried, and truly felt for this woman. I shared my story, my battles, and my experiences. I also shared about my loving Jesus who is not like an absent or unconcerned biological father or a brutal step-father who rapes a child, but a kind, gentle, perfect, compassionate and righteous Father who is ever present, always listening, and absolutely FOR His children... so much for them that He pursued, and sacrificed, and DIED to bind up their broken hearts shattered by sin.

She just cried. We both just cried.

The timid and shame-filled woman I had met simply an hour ago was completely different before me now, making eye contact, sharing her story, and getting glimpses into the dignity and worth she carries because of her Maker. She labeled herself as useless and dirty because of the actions of those around her. She carries their sins as her shame, but that is not the woman that she is.

She shared with me that at the woman's home there had been no social workers, simply a pastor. And she didn't want to speak to them because they were a pastor. But I believe whole heartedly that God was there, pursuing her precious heart in that moment. Drawing her to Himself. And for some reason she came back to me. God pursued her in that moment also, by His grace, using my brokenness and my story and heartache to shine light and hope and LOVE to her.

She asked me to introduce her to this Jesus that I was friends with.

That's how God works.

He pursues, and loves, and heals, and sends.

Once again, I experienced this Jesus in the streets. With people who are messy, hurt and broken.

Please pray for this beautiful woman. I could see her strength. I could see her beauty. She has a Bible now. Pray that she would be selfish in seeking the help that she needs. Pray that she would be removed from the abusive situation and that her and her children would be safe. Pray for her healing, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Pray that she would experience the love and mercy of God in all of it's truth, recognising her desperation for Christ and the grace and love that God wants to so willingly lavish upon her. Pray that she would be healed, and that those who have produced the abuse would experience sorrow that leads to repentance and salvation. PLEASE pray that God's word would hide itself in her heart and change her, love her, heal her, and send her for His purposes. I know that God will heal and use her story as a testimony for His glory and as an advocate for abuse.

Held.

I remember sitting on her lap like a 6 year old girl. Up to that point this would have been an awkward gesture for the both of us. But we had struggled through enough in that past year to feel anything slightly awkward or uncomfortable. I was 16 years old, I think, and had been crying out every ounce of salt water my eyes could possibly conjure up. I had been up in my room thinking...memories of my past were flooding my mind vividly. To the point that I wasn't able to hold in my emotions any longer. And I just needed arms to hold me.

And she held me like I was her own.

(This was written before they had taken me in.
Please excuse my 8th grade grammar. It's terrible, I know.)

After months of struggling to find my place and how I fit into this new family, we were finally sweeping up the egg shells that we had been walking on. It took a huge blow-out fight. I tested their love for me and said every ugly thing my mind and heart had ever felt to adults as a whole who hadn't loved me like they should have. It was painful. My words were harsh and directed at the woman who had taken me into her home and out of my abuse drenched life. It seemed that everyone who had ever claimed to love me, left me. Cold. Mean. Hurt. Broken. This new family said that they had loved me. But I was convinced that they hadn't seen the real me, and that if they did, they would also leave me.

But she held me like I was her own.

That embrace brought healing. It was a battle through 16 years that left me with a distorted view of love.

But that embrace is only a glimpse into the way Jesus wraps His love around me.

I remember one afternoon that was particularly difficult. I was once again replaying the past and feeling quite defeated. I was laying down with my baby brother for his afternoon nap. He was about 2 at the time. I couldn't stop thinking and my head was flooded with emotions. I prayed and cried, telling God that I felt so alone and hurt. I just wanted to be in His arms in perfection, not having to worry about any of this brokenness. I just wanted to be close to Him.

In that exact moment my baby brother rolled over and got as close to me as he possibly could. He lifted my shirt and put as much of his warm belly on my cold skin and threw his arms around me. He tucked his head into my chest and just held onto me.

And somehow, in that moment, God held the two of us like we were His own.

People say adoption changes lives. I can testify to that.

Unconditional love, when rooted and established in it, allows people to flourish. The heart of adoption is unconditional love. And the Father of unconditional love is God. 

This is a prayer that Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, to the Gentiles, those who had been adopted into God's family. 

For this reason I kneel in prayer before the Father, in whom every family on heaven and earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He would strengthen you by the power of the Holy Spirit - yes the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead - so that He may dwell, live, and make His home in your heart. I pray that you would be deeply rooted and established in God's love so you can better understand and continually grasp the height, depth, width, and length of His love in all of it's perfection. All so that you can be filled to the absolute fullness of God! This love surpasses all knowledge.

And God, the Father of this love, can do immeasurably and abundantly more than we could ever ask or even dream of, according to His power that works in us. To HIM be the glory forever, and ever, and ever, amen. Ephesians 3:14 - 21 (my paraphrase).

You are adopted and chosen by God, before the foundations of the world. Not just because it was His will, but because it is His absolute joy and pleasure. Ephesians 1:4 - 5 (my paraphrase).

I promise you, He holds you because you are His own.

Security and worth.

We've bought into a lie that has promised us security.

But in return we're being destroyed, slowly but surely.

We're continually wanting our security to be tanglible, and obvious, and affectionate. Something we can hold and grasp onto. We want it to be affirmed now. We've been raised in a world that tells us our security is based on another's opinion of us. Perfectionism has noted every mistake, error, fault, flaw, and blemish in and on us like a check list against us. We've been whispered to by our ugly culture, believing that our worth is based on our beauty, or sex appeal, or the amount of attention the opposite sex gives. So what do our hearts do? They reach out. They try to check our lists and get more checks on the “good” side rather than on the ugly side that we tend to think is reality - what defines us. We reach out for affection and affirmation from our check lists, the attention we're given, the compliments we recieve. We want people to adore us, our faults and our failures included.

And that's normal.

But if that is what determines our worth, it's not healthy.

Not when our heart loses sight of the love our Father has for us.

Our sight tends to fixate on the now, and we've been swept up into a continual cycle of affirmation and condemnation. Leaving us dependant and desperate for those around us to dictate who we are and the amount of worth we possess.

BUT...

Our worth is not determined based on what others around us confirm or think. Our worth, Lord, is found in the fact that “You know me...and You are familiar with all my ways.” You know us. You've searched us. You have created us intimately and intentionally. You see us in what we think is absolute darkness and failure and loss – but it is all light to you. You saw us while we were unformed, yet every single day of our lives were written in Your book. And through it all, You laid Your hand upon us and You never leave. Never. (Psalm 139)

That alone confirms my security and worth.

That alone confirms your security and worth.

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. Psalm 112:7-8

Don't buy into the that lie your heart or the world around you screams. Renew your mind to His truth.

He knows you, and loves you more in this moment than anyone could love you in an entire lifetime. You've been lavishly loved! 

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1a

The heart behind prayer.

*I wrote this a week ago after a really hectic week emotionally/spiritually/physically.

This week has been rough, to put it simply. And it's only Wednesday...

I tend to be my Father's stubborn child. I tense up when things don't go my way, get angry, throw a spiritual/emotional temper tantrum, only to eventually relax in His arms and follow His guidance. I don't know why I make it so difficult, but I'm thankful my Father is stern and patient with me.

The weeks before this were focused on prayer. The challenge to pray kept popping up everywhere I went. Passages. Sermons. Teachers. Lectures. Books. Blogs. Friends. Even people around me have pointed out how much prayer has been coming up within the past few weeks.

He was showing me this whole aspect of trusting Him wildly, praying in faith, finding security in Him, absorbing His heart and praying confidently as His daughter and co-heir with Jesus. I had lots and lots of questions, and still do for the most part, but I've learned a few things within the past month or so.

Firstly, I've learned that prayer is one of the most neglected aspects of my relationship with Jesus. I'm sure you can relate. It's easy to let prayer time dwindle or to sleep later than normal. It's difficult to make an exerted effort to clear our minds and focus our heart on communicating with Jesus. Life can be frustrating, and busy, and often self-centered. I know this. I battle with it. I'm sure we all do. We so quickly neglect prayer. Why though? What is the heart of the issue? I think we've categorised prayer as another spiritual practise that we must do to be the ideal Christian. It's just another check box we've added to our list. Our motives have changed. Our understanding has vanished. Our hearts have lost sight of the gift of prayer, and the beautiful Father who gives it to us.

Secondly, knowing our Father's heart is crucial to our prayer lives. Why do we pray? Why do we lay ourselves before this Jesus? Why should we speak to Him about everything? Because He is our loving, compassionate Father. He desires to hear from us. He wants us to experience the joy of His presence. And we learn about who exactly He is so that we can pray accordingly.

I've been having a really difficult week. I knew I needed to sit and just talking to Him about it all, but I was upset and angry and confused. Then my lack of desire sent me into a fit of self-condemnation. How could I not pray? Why didn't I force myself? I had lost focus of who He was, and concentrated on myself.

Carey e-mailed me this earlier today, and my eyes welled up with tears. It was from a letter she had written to me 3 years ago after we had a terrible fight. If you know the story behind this, you know how much love is found in these words.

"I love you and Ernie loves you. Immensely. We CHOSE you. We still choose you. As much as your words hurt me, I still love you. I love you unconditionally."

And that is exactly what our Heavenly Father wants us to understand. He wants us to be wrapped up in His embrace and to hear His voice assuring us, "I chose you. I love you unconditionally. Immensely."

We add prayer to our never-ending list of things we must do to be worthy of Him. We struggle to be obedient. We've lost sight of our Father's heart. We've lost sight of the character of God.

We need a change of heart. A fresh understanding. A heavenly outlook.

We pray because we understand that this God has a passionate and holy love for us. He chose us. We are His dearly loved children. We pray because He is our Abba who wants to give us good gifts that are found within His will. He wants to align our hearts to His and change our desires so they are satisfactory and fulfilling in all that He is for us. He wants us to bring our requests and prayers and praise before Him regularly, laying everything we are before Him, and trust Him to be God in our lives. He wants us to have the freedom and confidence to address Him as Dad, and to be transparent with Him, acknowledging Him hourly, begging for His guidance. This is the heart of prayer.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. Ephesians 6:18

In that day you will ask the Father in My (Jesus) name. I am not saying that I will ask the Father on your behalf. No, the Father Himself loves you because you have loved Me and have believed that I came from God. John 16:16-17



*God has been showing me SO much about prayer within the past few weeks, and this is simply my little compilation of what I really saw Him repeating. I don't know everything about prayer, and I know some who are very opinionated about this topic (that is all a part of studying theology at a seminary). BUT I do believe these two points are simple. We've lost the focus of prayer, and we don't know our Father's heart like we should. Those two things influence our prayer lives tremendously. I feel God is calling us to come back to the heart of it all. Falling in love with Him. Wanting to spend time with Him. Wanting to know Him deeper than we already do.

I'm praying that we would fall in love with Him and consciously seek Him and draw near to Him through prayer. That... "prayer would become as beautifully unconscious as breathing, an ongoing thread of conversation. It is the expression of a life that says: I am so known by this God-Man that all I want to do is be with Him."

Last week I saw Jesus in the streets.

It's been exactly a week, but my mind is still processing what happening last week on the way home from church. James and I had just finished up with a handful of 8^th and 9^th graders, teaching, talking, questioning and being questioned. I was so thankful on the way home and I just couldn't get over the fact that they were truly grasping the depth of the gospel and how it impacts their lives, day by day. I remember being there. I remember sitting in very similar circumstances, learning about this Jesus and how His love changes me and everything around me. I was on a high, thinking and dreaming about all the plans that the Lord has for their lives. And then, my little moment was shattered. Into a lot of different pieces. Everywhere.

You see, we drove past a man in a wheelchair. The wind was bitterly cold and the raindrops were mean. My heart dropped from it's high straight down into my stomach. The few seconds of driving past him as if we both didn't notice him felt like hours. My heart dropped more and more the farther we drove. It hurt. And it should have. James and I both looked at one another, and he turned around. Both of us were really unsure of what we were going to do, but we knew we couldn't just pass him on our way to the warmth of our bed and the comfort of a full stomach.

He was sick. More than just physically. Though his body categorised him as a man, his mind clearly deamed him a child. At the same time the constant jitter caused by parkinson's disease made the situation even worse. He kept reminding us that his parents didn't want him. He was left here on the streets to fend for himself. He was born with physical limitations that left him in a wheelchair. Abandoned. Sick. Hurt. Alone.

We went back to our flats. I made soup and James got together clothing. One of the most humbling moments of my life happened last week. He couldn't feed himself because of the continual shaking, so I fed him. Like a child. With my hands. He couldn't put his clothing on himself. So I pulled a hoodie over his head. I put his arms through the sleeves and tucked his hands in the pockets, trying to keep him as warm as possible. He kept looking up at me, calling me mommy. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to react. I honestly wanted to run away from the pain and deep hurt of the reality that this man lived this life.

Daily.

Hourly.

But Christ didn't run away from me when I was sick, and fatherless, and abandoned, and lost.

This gospel that the youth were clinging to and starting to grasp, it changes us. Sometimes I think I've got it all figured out. And then God changes me, and reveals more of Himself to my self-absorbed heart. The same thing is happening within people all around me, and I love it. I love the way He works.

The world tells us to cling to material wealth, and safety, and to focus on tomorrow rather than the day before us. Jesus encourages us to trust Him daily for our protection and provision, to focus on His will for this day, and to seek first His kingdom above all else. I see this practically as a friend makes the difficult choice to wrecklessly abandon the “things” in life that falsely promise satisfaction and success, and even normalcy, for the purpose of those in the streets knowing Him. I love it! He has purposefully decided to live on the streets, among the least of these, for the sake of them knowing Christ. He doesn't have a home to go to at the end of a difficult day. He has the contents of a backpack with him, and that is it. He has literally counted all things as loss compared to knowing Christ and partaking in His sufferings.

Christ came to us. Jesus was seated next to God, in perfect fellowship within the Trinity. Yet He was obedient to the will of His Father and took on the form of man, becoming flesh, living and breathing, and intentionally speaking, healing, providing, teaching, and much much more for us. He accepted, willingly, the sin of the universe – every single sin that had ever been committed by every single human being that had, and was, and would walk the earth. He took that upon Himself, nailing it brutally to the cross as His body was stretched out for the world to see. He sought us. He stopped, and bent low to us, to bring us back to the Father and restore our brokenness.

This is the gospel, and it changes us.

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke? Is it not to share your food with the hungry, and provide the poor wandered with shelter – when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood? Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness wil go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and He will say: Here am I....and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry, and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. Isaiah 58:6-9, 10

I'm not saying that we must all go out and sell all of our possessions to serve God. But I know that God wants and desires us to focus on Him. He wants us to be in a state of understanding of the gospel, of His love, of the way He sought us out. How do we not want to spend ourselves on behalf of those who don't know Him? We should want to bend low and do everything in our power for others to know the gospel and the love of Jesus.

Then the King will say to those on His right, “Come, you who are blessed by My Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave Me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave Me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited Me in, I needed clothes and you clothed Me, I was sick and you looked after Me, I was in prison and you came to visit Me... I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the leart of these brothers of Mine, you did for Me.” Matthew 25: 34-36, 40

Last week, I saw Jesus in the streets. 

It'll be worth the wait.

While sitting on the all too familiar chair, talking and listening and seeing the familiar face of one of my favourite people in the whole wide world, I experienced something so absolutely beautiful I almost opened the flood gates of heaven! Yep. Right there in the middle of cooking dinner and catching up, God displayed His love, affection, and His desires to my heart! Grace, Sarah's 3 year old daughter put a veil on her head and flowers in her hand and walked around, glistening with pride and awaiting the approval of her mother and father. They both showered her with love, repeatedly telling her how beautiful she was. Grace then proceeded to go into the living room and danced around to the song her aunt had just recently danced to at her wedding. Her daddy went and danced with her, picking her up in his arms and swaying back and forth. Grace's face lit up and she kept telling her daddy how much she loved dancing with him. I was enamoured by this beautiful picture before my eyes. Sarah looked at me and whispered sweetly, "It'll be worth the wait." I was holding back my tears the best I could. It was absolutely beautiful.

Earlier that afternoon my daddy and I were talking. I was fidgeting with my ring, as I tend to do, and it fell through the cushions and planted itself under the couch. I bent down, and began looking for my ring. I wasn't expecting any help, but here comes my daddy right next to me, on his knees also, with a flash light in hand. It may seem little, but in that moment my hero was right there with me, helping me find my ring and assisting me in any way possible. I can't explain how loved I felt in that moment. This man has "saved" me from so many big things, and he loves me enough to get down on his knees with me and do the little things too. Him and I kept a conversation going after this, but all I could think about was how amazing he was to me, and how he truly is my hero.

These two men displayed an absolutely beautiful picture of my Heavenly Hero, my Heavenly Prince. You see, I want to get married. And at one point I was so unsatisfied with all that God was, because my eyes were fixed on earthly satisfaction and blinded to the deep reality of all that He truly is. I thought having someone in my life would fill my heart and make me whole. Come to find out, that's not quite true. If we continually expect humans to fill us in a way that only God can, we are left empty and those humans break under such a weighty expectation. Satisfaction in all that God is for us in Jesus brings such an indescribable freedom. You don't expect to be emotionally filled by other people, because the unfailing love of God is your source, and in return those people won't buckle under your unrealistic hopes. When we find satisfaction in God, we are freed and also free those around us.

A few months ago God showed me that I needed to be fully satisfied in Him. I knew that, but it almost felt like I was being teased. It took a lot of time and effort. I still struggle on a daily basis. I had to battle lies that told me I needed other people or things to satisfy me, I had to reprogram my mind to think biblically and to raise Scripture as truth in my heart and mind, and I needed a lot of courage and strength to revisit some uncomfortable circumstances that I had been through. But God worked so greatly in my heart. I can stand and say that I know what true satisfaction in Christ is, and it surpasses anything and everything I've ever experienced! I'm so thankful that the Lord has taught me this now! One day I'll be able to love my husband with unconditional love. I won't expect him to fill me up, but I know that his love for me will be added to the love that God has for me, and my cup will overflow.

My heart was made for His. I know that I can jump in His arms and dance around for hours, absolutely and completely content in His arms and with who He is. I know that I can find all the desires of my heart fulfilled in the embrace of this God-man Jesus. It's not just about learning to be content with Him because I don't have a husband or a boyfriend, but knowing deeply that in every hour, day and season of my life, Christ is absolutely enough. One day I will have a husband who will dance around the living room with our children, and he will open doors for me, remind me of who I am in Christ and lead our family to do the will of God - none of that will fill me, but will continually remind me of the amazing love that God reflects through marriage and family. One day my children will be in basic, every-day situations and look up at their father, just as I did, and see the love of Christ represented with so much grace. The only relationship that can truly satisfy our heart is our relationship with Christ. All other relationships simply display a fragment of His love to us.

Christ is the ultimate prize. 

He is my portion. He is my all in all.

Since I get to wait with Him, rather than on Him, it'll be more than worth the wait.

The Who and how.

Sometimes I get caught up in the dishes, picking up the mess on the floor, e-mails I must reply to, the person I must phone, writing assignments, reading, reading, reading, going to church, from church, and to church again, the emotions, the mood-swings, the endlessly fleeting yet consuming circumstances, and then I simply forget. Often, actually. I forget His faithfulness. I forget the places I've been, the history, the small and the big miracles, the difficult and the beautiful situations, the demonstrations of His love and grace in my life. My little heart gets so caught up in the here and now, that I forget The Who and how. He has been so so faithful, and tonight, my heart has been reminded. 

It was exactly a year ago that I was on the verge of breaking. Rather, I was broken, completely distraught and frustrated and empty. The circumstances felt absolutely unbearable. The only logical solution, in my mind, was to jump on a plane, hand in hand with my father and go back to my family, my home, my comfort-zone. "It's logical," I reasoned. I told myself it was the only way out of this terrible pit I was stuck in. But once again, I forgot about The Who and how I got here. I forgot of His faithfulness and the testimony He was the author of. How could I lose sight of the beautiful story that was hand-written by God? 

It was exactly two years ago that my heart burned to be wherever God was calling. Blinded by God for dependancy and trust, I had nothing else to hold but His hand. He would shine just enough light for the next step, then left me with darkness, faith, trust, and patience as I clung to His word and His promises. Then in His timing, He'd shine just enough light again. I really learned to lean on Him. I knew God was leading me to another country that I would call home, but what about the where, when, and how? "Shhh My daughter.." Oh how I remember His word: Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. Habakkuk 1:5 And He showed me, boy oh boy did He show me! South Africa, repeatedly. Two South African pastors visited our church within 6 months. A youth camp that showed videos, faces, places filled with everything that was South African, a devotional book with a photo of Cape Town and the beautiful face of a girl who is now a dear, dear friend. God was the author of this story, orchestrating and demonstrating His sovereignty and divinity! He is The Who and how of my story, His story.  

I couldn't help but well up with thankfulness and joy as my hands were covered in dish soap and my heart giddy, pondering His faithfulness tonight. It's in the cleaning up, the assignment writing, the e-mails and phone calls, the frustrations and joys of every circumstance that our hearts must remember His faithfulness. 

I'm still here, I'm still in this beautiful city that God created me to pass through, and I can't help but praise Him for His orchestration, His hand prints, His divine intervention into my plans and dreams to place me in this WONDERFUL city I call home. Had I not looked back, this story may have been twisted and different. But once again, my heart caught a glimpse of His faithfulness.

Don't forget His faithfulness. Step back, clear your mind, and remind yourself of every single faithful act God has accomplished in your life. Look back at your history and watch - and be utterly amazed. For He has done something in your days that is unbelievable, a demonstration of His power, His faithfulness. Adjust your focus from the here and now, be reminded and focus on The Who and how of the story He has written and is currently writing! 

Just a little look back over the past year:
The youth girls I get to work with regularly. I've had many many proud "mommy" moments when I am amazed at the growth and maturity of these girls. I love love love seeing them fall in love with Jesus and serve Him in everything they do. It's such a privilege to walk with them.

My precious lovelies who we were able to serve many times last year through soup and clothing. But also through love and laughs and giggles as I spoke afrikaans to them and they sat on my lap and played with my hair and interlocked their fingers into mine. Love love love these four girls! 




A semester at Arise Ministries was challenging and frustrating at times, but so rewarding. Funny enough, I loved the "naughty" children the most, and they clung to me. All the playing, jumping, and chasing was amazing, but the teaching and talking about Jesus was my absolute favourite. 

The "Orphanage" in Gugulethu. I love visiting this place! Not only for the fun and playing with the kids, or them repeatedly yelling "umlungu, umlungu" (white person in Xhosa) at me, but because of the way these people love Jesus and demonstrate His love to the world. It's been a honour to help in any way possible - digging in the garden, hanging washing on the line and folding it, helping to make lunch, jumping on the trampoline with the kids. Such a blessing!

And this is where my heart was stolen. Themba Care, just feet away from where I sleep every night. I've never ever had to face such tragedy and pain, but I've also never experienced the depth of God's love than when these children are in my arms! His compassion for us is like the compassion that an infant brings in a parent. 

The beautiful.

Pain, and frustration and hurt that cut so deep it felt like I was dying inside. Thoughts constantly throwing me back and forth, deeper and deeper into sadness and anger and what felt like hopelessness. I felt like I was being held under water and had no power to help myself out. Or like my feet where stuck in sinking sand and the rest of my body was destined to follow. And then God was reminding me to be joyful during this pain, and it felt like He didn't understand, and how could He ask me to choose joy when all I wanted was to mourn? All I wanted to do was put to death that chapter in my life. I felt vulnerable and shameful and dirty. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. For a while, every breath I took reminded me of the choice that I had to live with, and the pain that came with that choice. Hopeless. I felt absolutely hopeless.

But now, I'm on the other side. I mourned, and put to death that chapter in my life. Maybe I didn't have the power to pull myself out of my whirlwind of emotions and pain, but God did. I was stuck on repeat like a scratched CD. I was rereading the same page of a familiar old book. And now I realise why God kept whispering joy and peace to me..and I'm so thankful He was persistent in pulling me back into His arms and wiping my tears, speaking comfort and truth and hope to my raging heart. I understand now.

He is faithful. 

He makes all things work together for our good. 

He loves His children deeply and has prosperous plans for us. 

Joy in pain is a choice. Peace in the storm is trust. None of us can naturally experience joy or peace. It is a choice. Unbelief is the instinct of our deceitful heart. But peace and joy says "You are faithful, You make all things work together for my good and I know that You are my Heavenly Father, my daddy who loves me deeply. I will have peace, because You are in control and You can make this beautiful for Your glory. I will have joy, because I know that You are good". 

Do you want to hear about some of my favourite things? I'm glad you said yes. Rain and autumn. Rain, and dancing, and jumping in puddles, and catching raindrops in my mouth. Growing up I always loved dancing in the rain and getting soaking wet and jumping in every puddle I could see. It thrilled me! It still does.. sadly, though, South Africa's rainy season is right in the middle of it's harsh and cold winter. Autumn, and the bright and radiant orange/red/yellows that fill every mountain and every tree, the autumn that fills the air with a crisp freshness that words can't quite describe. But do you know what autumn essentially is? Death. Yet it brings me so much joy. Just like Jesus died and rose 3 days later, the seasons of a year reflect the beauty of death and 3 seasons later, bring spring, new life, new leaves, green and lush. 

There will always be seasons of death and pain and sorrow, but my beloved HOLD ON! Dance in the rain, jump in the puddles, hold onto the fact that the rain will stop and the sun will come back out and SHINE radiantly on you! The leaves may be beautiful, but they will fall and abandon the trees bare and grey and ugly, but beloved they will grow back beautifully and fill the tree again. 

You may be going through a very difficult time in life, but I want to encourage you to claim the peace and joy God is stretching out to you. Trust Him...allow Him to fill you with His hope. You will make it through this. You will come out stronger, closer, and deeper to God and reflect Him more and more. Please know that you will be okay. You'll be even better than okay, you'll shine more beautifully and display His glory brightly through it all. He remains faithful and constant. He is always.

I'm praying for you!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Love is more than a feeling.

I know I've been posting a lot...but God has been showing me a lot of different amazing things! I love sharing and I hope it's relevant to you in some way. So this morning I was praying and asking God to teach me obedience and to be in tune with the Holy Spirit so that I can do what pleases Him and makes Him happy. And I had this mini epiphany! Let me try to explain:

Firstly, Sunday evening I heard an amazing sermon on John 14:15-31. The main theme in this passage is that to truly love God, we must be obedient to His commands and His Word. It was such a challenging sermon! And the preacher emphasised that when we are obedient to Christ, we are actually pleasing Him and for a lack of better words, making Him happy. He also spoke about the Holy Spirit who helps us and leads us to do the things that God commands. We have to be filled by the Holy Spirit and learn to listen to His voice and His leading, though. Ultimately, obedience deepens our relationship with God and binds us to Him in a more intimate way. We should be obedient because we love God and want to please Him.

I've also been reading through a book called "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris. I read it in grade 10 or 11, but I wanted to just refresh my mind with some of the amazing truths in this book! Now before I start talking about romantic love, I've got to confess that I don't really have much experience. I can't honestly say I've ever been in love with someone. I've definitely been head over heals in infatuation, but I don't think I've been in love. But one thing that this book and many other Christian books that approach the topic of romantic love discuss is that eventually the warm and fuzzy feelings of being "in love" fade away, and love becomes a choice and an effort. Not that people lose all feeling of love toward that person, but the chemicals that were released in the beginning stages of a new relationship eventually fade and don't have the same effect on the brain as they once did. I read a quote on Pinterest last night that explained this perfectly!

But, this can actually relate to all of us. I know personally I was absolutely crazy about God when our relationship started about 4 years ago. I was seriously crazy in love! I remember reading my Bible for hours because I wanted to know more and more about God. I remember speaking to people daily about Jesus and what He had done in my life... I even pointed out people's sin and would tell them to repent (oops!). I wanted to be in church and around Christians as much as possible. Praying was easy because of the feeling and closeness of God's presence. Reading my Bible was a daily thing because I was absolutely enthralled, obsessed, and enamoured with this amazing God who had saved me and wanted to have a relationship with me! But now, 4 - almost 5 - years later, I struggle. If you look through my blog history you'll see a good 9 or 10 months that I barely blogged. That's because I wasn't in God's Word and I wasn't seeking to hear from Him. I wasn't eager to know more about Him. The feelings that I once felt had faded. I plain and simply didn't want to work at my relationship with God. I wanted it to come naturally and be easy, but it wasn't and it isn't. Love is something worth fighting for. Loving God is through obedience. Yes He will blow your mind at times and you will feel and experience the closeness and comfort and love of God's presence, but sometimes you won't. And that is when you must fight for obedience and love. That is when you must fight for closeness and intimacy with God, through obedience to His Word!

I always think of Psalm 37:3-7 when I struggle with this. Active verbs are repeated throughout this passage! "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. "

Trust, do good, dwell, enjoy, delight, commit, trust, be still, wait patiently, do not fret.

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves Me, he will obey My teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:23

Make the choice to obey God even when you don't feel like it. Draw close to Him and love Him through obedience because it brings Him pleasure. In return, He will give you a lasting connection to Himself. This will be deeper than any feeling or experience, and a connection that is firm, secure, and lasting. God and Jesus will make their home with you. Do you see that? They will make their home with you!

I'm praying that we would be filled with the Holy Spirit and that we would love God daily through obedience to His word. I pray that we would experience love in a whole new way with the Father.. a love that is chosen rather than simply felt!

Do you trust God?

"I have a plan. Do you trust Me?" God asked me this question about a month ago...and my answer was a heartbreaking "No". I sat on my bed and cried when I realised that I don't trust God and that most of the time, my heart doesn't want to trust God. I laid before God and told Him with all honesty in my heart that I didn't trust Him because I didn't like to lose control and I didn't want to have to handle a pain that felt unbearable - the pain of not having all the answers. When those words came out of my mouth I felt I was going to vomit! How can I not trust God? How can I lay before the perfect and sinless God who loves me and died for me, and tell Him I don't trust Him?

You see, growing up I had to take care of myself. I know without a doubt that my parents loved me with all the love in their hearts, but that love wasn't simply enough. As a child I often had to be the adult and make decisions that were best for my safety and health. That's something a child should never have to do. I learned to play parent. I had to play parent. And now, as a 19 year old young adult, I feel I must play God in my own life. I like to have control. I feel like I have to do what is best for myself. I have a trust issue. Please hear me out.. God is completely and utterly worthy of trust. He is completely credible. This issue is my own. 

In my quiet time a few weeks ago the topic was "the obstacle of unbelief", which is essentially not trusting God. We can believe IN God and have our eternity secured, but not believe God and spend all of our earthly years insecure and filled with unnecessary worry and anxiety. God created us each for the purpose of knowing Him and believing Him. Isaiah 43:10 says "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe Me and understand that I am He. Before Me no god was formed, nor will there be one after Me". In the Hebrew, the world for "believe" is 'aman, which means "to make firm, to stand firm, to be enduring; to trust, to believe". In the Greek, the word is pisteuo, which means "to be firmly persuaded as to something, to believe...with the idea of hope and certain expectation".  The rest of my quiet time was focused on Mark 9:21-24 (read the passage here.). This is an account of a father of a demon-possessed boy. The father came to Jesus and asked Him for His help. I love this story, because I really relate to the father. He says to Jesus "if you can do anything.." and Jesus immediately replies "If I can? All things are possible for one who believes". I tend to say "If you can.." repeatedly in my prayer life. What a slap in the face to God! Of course He can! HE IS ABLE. He is God. And then the father quickly responds "I believe; help my unbelief!" I can imagine him saying this quickly so he can't think twice about what he is actually saying. "I believe" is the right answer. God is completely worthy of our trust and belief. Numbers 23:19 beautifully explains that "God is not man, that He should lie, or a son of man, that He should change His mind. Has he said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not fulfil it?"

The cry of our heart should be "I believe; help my unbelief!" Beth Moore once said "Trusting an invisible God doesn't come naturally to any believer. A trust relationship grows only by stepping out in faith and making the choice to trust. The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience". It's not easy to trust God, especially when He asks us to surrender all of our desires and painful questions to Him. 

BUT as a son and daughter of God, you have the privilege to trust and rest secure in your Heavenly Father. As I've been working through this issue with God I've realised more and more that God is for me. I am His, and He is mine. He loves me, He left heaven and came to a people who rejected Him, and He was brutally beaten and nailed to a tree so that I could know and believe Him. Beloved, know that God is for you. He did all of this FOR YOU. He is a loving, compassionate, grace-filled God who is unlike any man and who has wonderful and amazing plans for your life! He is going to glorify Himself through your life, but as John Piper always says, He is glorified the most when we are satisfied in Him. You may not have all the answers right now, but you have the ability to draw close to the One who has all the answers - the one who loves you and has the best plan for you!

I hope this is some encouragement to you! I don't think I could find the right words to express what is truly going on in my heart and my head concerning this issue, but I really do pray this can be of some help to you! I pray that you and I will both learn to trust God each and every day! Remind yourself of who He is on a regular basis and don't relent until your heart clings to God.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me. John 14:1

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. Psalm 28:7

I watched this video a few months ago and it blew my mind. In the same way the little girl didn't trust her mother, we don't trust God..but remember, He has a bigger and better plan that we could ever think of! TRUST HIM! :)