Tuesday, October 21, 2014

my inner orphan girl.

I realised the other day that I run from God more often than not.

I learned to run away from my childhood. It wasn't necessarily that I wanted to run, but somewhere deep inside of me I felt it was inevitable. In my young mind I had come to the conclusion that when I was too much to deal with, people would leave me. So when I felt that was going to happen, I ran before they could leave me.

It happened more than it should have.

You see, I have an inner orphan girl. Yet I have two biological parents who love me, and with that many grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. But as a child, jumping from home to home and family to family skewed my understanding of unconditional love. Though I had that family as a child, something in me began to believed I was an orphan.

When this new family made me their daughter through adoption at 15 years old, I was still orphaned at heart. I wouldn't believe that they truly loved me until something went wrong, and then I knew they'd send me away.... again. I waited for something to happen that never did. We walked on egg shells and my heart was crying for help. I fought, they loved, and I continued to fight... because when you learn from a young age that love is conditional, you begin to believe you are too much for one person to handle. I felt I was too difficult to love.

They were patient and kind and loving, and provided a safe place for me to realise that I was not orphaned. I was a daughter. I was their daughter. There were days that I believed more than anything that they couldn't love me, and then this new mom of mine would pull me into her lap and make up for years that had been lost...

I thought I had dealt with my inner orphan girl, but she showed up again a few weeks ago.

And then I realised that there are so many of us that have an inner orphan, beckoning us to believe that surely God couldn't love us. We take the earthly realities around us and reason that God sees and acts in the same way. When people leave us, we think God does. When we or others expect perfection, we think God condemns us when we bring anything less. When people around us have distorted our view of self, we think God sees us in the same way and despises us. When the circumstances around us seem hopeless, we consider if God is truly trustworthy.

How often do we allow our inner orphan to dictate the way we connect with God? When you are His child, that is not by chance. He chose you. He made you His. He has loved you unconditionally and with an everlasting love. When you run, He comes for you. When you see yourself in a distorted way, He calls you to listen to what He has to say about you.

You have been adopted and chosen and made into a son and daughter of God. He has done everything to have a relationship with you, for you to be His.

I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you. John 14:18

He loves you. Don't let your inner orphan tell you differently.