I'm going to be completely honest with you in this post. And that makes me feel quite vulnerable.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5
The past few months have been some of the loneliest months of my life. It feels like it anyway. The year started out with some of my best friends getting into serious relationships. One of them has even ended up in an engagement (yay!)! But, new relationships always bring change. I normally like change, except when my close friends aren't so close anymore. I was okay with it though, because at the time I was finding myself in a similar situation as they were - except this wasn't such a serious decision, but more of a "you're cute and make me laugh" decision that "just happened". (Thats another lesson in and of itself, don't let stuff like that just happen!) What "just happened" didn't "just work" and ended up falling apart, taking my heart with it. My friends were focused on their "other", I focused on my "other" and then had nothing to focus on, and no one to focus on me. It hurt, bad.
Loss of friends, heart break, and so many other things have lead to a season of loneliness that I can't quite describe with words. There is something about being known by someone and knowing someone in return; learning their habits, their preferences, their humour, finishing their sentences, feeling comfortable in their presence, understanding their silence, being free and transparent in your own skin around them.
That has been absent in my life for the past few months.
At first I knew I'd be okay. This too would pass. I drew closer to God, took His word in and knew I was secure in His love, but after a few months my heart gradually hardened. I didn't understand why I was so alone. Did I do something wrong? Do people not like me? Am I hard to get along with? I started analysing everything. Somehow I had lost sight of the truth and found myself in a fit of insecurity, coming to the conclusion that it was my fault. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't funny enough. I was too emotional. Too deep. Too loud. Too talkative. Too this. Too that. Not perfect. Not good enough. Not loveable.
Not perfect and not good enough told me that I needed to be better. I needed to be perfect, and likeable, and understood so that people would love me. I needed to change this, that, and the other to be good enough.
I took that into my relationship with God. How could He, of all "people", love me? I mess up so often. I push Him away. I'm stubborn. I don't seek Him wholeheartedly. I don't always adore Him above everything else. I'm not always patient, or trusting, or at peace. How could He love me. It felt like I needed to clean myself up. Fix my life. Make a check list and accomplish something before He would love me.
Oh how wrong I was.
Please hear me out, I'm not sharing this for my own good. This is too personal and too difficult for me to write simply because I want to talk about myself. I have a feeling that you may feel this way also, or have felt this way at one point in your life. And one thing I'm sure of: You will experience this at some point in your life.
Loneliness is inevitable. Whether you are single and 20 something, or married and have kids clinging to you at any point in the day, you will experience loneliness.
And because of that, I want you to know that you are adored.
I was laying in bed, avoiding God and trying to focus on something other than the pain of feeling misunderstood and unknown, but He wouldn't leave me alone (I'm thankful for that).
I write you love letters, Corina.
I will pursue you, Corina.
You are altogether lovely, Corina.
He writes you love letters, beloved.
I made you in My image and My likeness, giving you value and worth (Genesis 1:26). I formed you, and give you life by breathing you into being (Genesis 2:7). I saw that what I had created was good, and I blessed you (Genesis 1:28, 31). Don't you see the value you have? Don't you see that I adore you, because you are My creation? I knit you together while you were in your mothers womb. I knew you intimately even there (Psalm 139:13). I set you apart - something only I can do - and give your life a purpose (Jeremiah 1:5). I chose you as my servant so that you could know Me, and believe Me, and understand who I am: God. The only God and Saviour (Isaiah 43:10-11). But even when you deserted Me for temporary satisfaction and pleasure, I came to search for you. "Where are you?", I called (Genesis 3:9). I made a sacrifice, killing the first animal, so that your sin would be atoned for. I killed one of my creations so that we could still be in a relationship. More than that, you became my enemy (Romans 5:6-8). I knew you intimately, like a husband knows his wife, but you prostituted yourself and ran from Me (Ezekiel 16; Hosea 4:10-13). But I sent My very own Son to reconcile our relationship and to bring you from death to life (Ephesians 2:1-5). Do you not know that I love you? And despite your sin, I know you and I am familiar with all your ways (Psalm 139:1-3). I have not forgotten you (Isaiah 44:21). I have swept away your offences and your sins. I have called you to return to Me (Isaiah 44:22). I have made you into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I have given you a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26). I've made a covenant with you, a promise that you will be My people, and I will be your God. You will be able to have a relationship with Me from the depths of your new heart (Jeremiah 31:31-34). All because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Because I have drawn you with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 31:3-4). I promise you many things. I will never, ever leave you (Hebrews 13:5). I will take care of you, carry you close to My heart and tend to you (Isaiah 40:11). Remember that I made you, I will carry you, sustain you and rescue you (Isaiah 46:4). I am the God who created the stars and everything in the heavens. I am the God who gives you strength when you are weary and weak (Isaiah 40:29; 2 Corinthians 12:8-10). I am the God of all comfort and the Father of compassion (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I understand what you go through and I can sympathise with your pain (Hebrews 4:15). I am your freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). I took you from slavery, broke the chains around your neck, and enabled you to walk with your head held high (Leviticus 26:13). Cling to Me, I am faithful (Hebrews 10:23). Talk to Me, tell Me about your worries and cares because I care for you (1 Peter 5:7). When you are Mine, I do not leave you condemned (Romans 8:1). My love for you is unconditional, and I take joy when you put your hope in My love (Psalm 147:11).
How beautiful you are, My darling! Oh how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. Like a lily among thorns is My darling among the maidens. All beautiful you are, My darling; there is no flaw in you (Song of Songs 1:15; 2:2; 4:7).
In my season of loneliness I am reminded that He writes me love letters. They say more about Him than they do about me, and these love letters fixate my eyes on my King, my Prince, my Everything. The One who knows me in all of my imperfections, yet loves me as He loves His Son.
That is the key to being content in a season of loneliness: Knowing the truth found in God's love letter to you, you are known and loved.
How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming (Song of Songs 2:16).
He writes you love letters, beloved.