The beautiful.

Pain, and frustration and hurt that cut so deep it felt like I was dying inside. Thoughts constantly throwing me back and forth, deeper and deeper into sadness and anger and what felt like hopelessness. I felt like I was being held under water and had no power to help myself out. Or like my feet where stuck in sinking sand and the rest of my body was destined to follow. And then God was reminding me to be joyful during this pain, and it felt like He didn't understand, and how could He ask me to choose joy when all I wanted was to mourn? All I wanted to do was put to death that chapter in my life. I felt vulnerable and shameful and dirty. No matter what I did, I couldn't get out. For a while, every breath I took reminded me of the choice that I had to live with, and the pain that came with that choice. Hopeless. I felt absolutely hopeless.

But now, I'm on the other side. I mourned, and put to death that chapter in my life. Maybe I didn't have the power to pull myself out of my whirlwind of emotions and pain, but God did. I was stuck on repeat like a scratched CD. I was rereading the same page of a familiar old book. And now I realise why God kept whispering joy and peace to me..and I'm so thankful He was persistent in pulling me back into His arms and wiping my tears, speaking comfort and truth and hope to my raging heart. I understand now.

He is faithful. 

He makes all things work together for our good. 

He loves His children deeply and has prosperous plans for us. 

Joy in pain is a choice. Peace in the storm is trust. None of us can naturally experience joy or peace. It is a choice. Unbelief is the instinct of our deceitful heart. But peace and joy says "You are faithful, You make all things work together for my good and I know that You are my Heavenly Father, my daddy who loves me deeply. I will have peace, because You are in control and You can make this beautiful for Your glory. I will have joy, because I know that You are good". 

Do you want to hear about some of my favourite things? I'm glad you said yes. Rain and autumn. Rain, and dancing, and jumping in puddles, and catching raindrops in my mouth. Growing up I always loved dancing in the rain and getting soaking wet and jumping in every puddle I could see. It thrilled me! It still does.. sadly, though, South Africa's rainy season is right in the middle of it's harsh and cold winter. Autumn, and the bright and radiant orange/red/yellows that fill every mountain and every tree, the autumn that fills the air with a crisp freshness that words can't quite describe. But do you know what autumn essentially is? Death. Yet it brings me so much joy. Just like Jesus died and rose 3 days later, the seasons of a year reflect the beauty of death and 3 seasons later, bring spring, new life, new leaves, green and lush. 

There will always be seasons of death and pain and sorrow, but my beloved HOLD ON! Dance in the rain, jump in the puddles, hold onto the fact that the rain will stop and the sun will come back out and SHINE radiantly on you! The leaves may be beautiful, but they will fall and abandon the trees bare and grey and ugly, but beloved they will grow back beautifully and fill the tree again. 

You may be going through a very difficult time in life, but I want to encourage you to claim the peace and joy God is stretching out to you. Trust Him...allow Him to fill you with His hope. You will make it through this. You will come out stronger, closer, and deeper to God and reflect Him more and more. Please know that you will be okay. You'll be even better than okay, you'll shine more beautifully and display His glory brightly through it all. He remains faithful and constant. He is always.

I'm praying for you!

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

...weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5b 

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Love is more than a feeling.

I know I've been posting a lot...but God has been showing me a lot of different amazing things! I love sharing and I hope it's relevant to you in some way. So this morning I was praying and asking God to teach me obedience and to be in tune with the Holy Spirit so that I can do what pleases Him and makes Him happy. And I had this mini epiphany! Let me try to explain:

Firstly, Sunday evening I heard an amazing sermon on John 14:15-31. The main theme in this passage is that to truly love God, we must be obedient to His commands and His Word. It was such a challenging sermon! And the preacher emphasised that when we are obedient to Christ, we are actually pleasing Him and for a lack of better words, making Him happy. He also spoke about the Holy Spirit who helps us and leads us to do the things that God commands. We have to be filled by the Holy Spirit and learn to listen to His voice and His leading, though. Ultimately, obedience deepens our relationship with God and binds us to Him in a more intimate way. We should be obedient because we love God and want to please Him.

I've also been reading through a book called "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris. I read it in grade 10 or 11, but I wanted to just refresh my mind with some of the amazing truths in this book! Now before I start talking about romantic love, I've got to confess that I don't really have much experience. I can't honestly say I've ever been in love with someone. I've definitely been head over heals in infatuation, but I don't think I've been in love. But one thing that this book and many other Christian books that approach the topic of romantic love discuss is that eventually the warm and fuzzy feelings of being "in love" fade away, and love becomes a choice and an effort. Not that people lose all feeling of love toward that person, but the chemicals that were released in the beginning stages of a new relationship eventually fade and don't have the same effect on the brain as they once did. I read a quote on Pinterest last night that explained this perfectly!

But, this can actually relate to all of us. I know personally I was absolutely crazy about God when our relationship started about 4 years ago. I was seriously crazy in love! I remember reading my Bible for hours because I wanted to know more and more about God. I remember speaking to people daily about Jesus and what He had done in my life... I even pointed out people's sin and would tell them to repent (oops!). I wanted to be in church and around Christians as much as possible. Praying was easy because of the feeling and closeness of God's presence. Reading my Bible was a daily thing because I was absolutely enthralled, obsessed, and enamoured with this amazing God who had saved me and wanted to have a relationship with me! But now, 4 - almost 5 - years later, I struggle. If you look through my blog history you'll see a good 9 or 10 months that I barely blogged. That's because I wasn't in God's Word and I wasn't seeking to hear from Him. I wasn't eager to know more about Him. The feelings that I once felt had faded. I plain and simply didn't want to work at my relationship with God. I wanted it to come naturally and be easy, but it wasn't and it isn't. Love is something worth fighting for. Loving God is through obedience. Yes He will blow your mind at times and you will feel and experience the closeness and comfort and love of God's presence, but sometimes you won't. And that is when you must fight for obedience and love. That is when you must fight for closeness and intimacy with God, through obedience to His Word!

I always think of Psalm 37:3-7 when I struggle with this. Active verbs are repeated throughout this passage! "Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. "

Trust, do good, dwell, enjoy, delight, commit, trust, be still, wait patiently, do not fret.

Jesus replied, "If anyone loves Me, he will obey My teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him." John 14:23

Make the choice to obey God even when you don't feel like it. Draw close to Him and love Him through obedience because it brings Him pleasure. In return, He will give you a lasting connection to Himself. This will be deeper than any feeling or experience, and a connection that is firm, secure, and lasting. God and Jesus will make their home with you. Do you see that? They will make their home with you!

I'm praying that we would be filled with the Holy Spirit and that we would love God daily through obedience to His word. I pray that we would experience love in a whole new way with the Father.. a love that is chosen rather than simply felt!

Do you trust God?

"I have a plan. Do you trust Me?" God asked me this question about a month ago...and my answer was a heartbreaking "No". I sat on my bed and cried when I realised that I don't trust God and that most of the time, my heart doesn't want to trust God. I laid before God and told Him with all honesty in my heart that I didn't trust Him because I didn't like to lose control and I didn't want to have to handle a pain that felt unbearable - the pain of not having all the answers. When those words came out of my mouth I felt I was going to vomit! How can I not trust God? How can I lay before the perfect and sinless God who loves me and died for me, and tell Him I don't trust Him?

You see, growing up I had to take care of myself. I know without a doubt that my parents loved me with all the love in their hearts, but that love wasn't simply enough. As a child I often had to be the adult and make decisions that were best for my safety and health. That's something a child should never have to do. I learned to play parent. I had to play parent. And now, as a 19 year old young adult, I feel I must play God in my own life. I like to have control. I feel like I have to do what is best for myself. I have a trust issue. Please hear me out.. God is completely and utterly worthy of trust. He is completely credible. This issue is my own. 

In my quiet time a few weeks ago the topic was "the obstacle of unbelief", which is essentially not trusting God. We can believe IN God and have our eternity secured, but not believe God and spend all of our earthly years insecure and filled with unnecessary worry and anxiety. God created us each for the purpose of knowing Him and believing Him. Isaiah 43:10 says "You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe Me and understand that I am He. Before Me no god was formed, nor will there be one after Me". In the Hebrew, the world for "believe" is 'aman, which means "to make firm, to stand firm, to be enduring; to trust, to believe". In the Greek, the word is pisteuo, which means "to be firmly persuaded as to something, to believe...with the idea of hope and certain expectation".  The rest of my quiet time was focused on Mark 9:21-24 (read the passage here.). This is an account of a father of a demon-possessed boy. The father came to Jesus and asked Him for His help. I love this story, because I really relate to the father. He says to Jesus "if you can do anything.." and Jesus immediately replies "If I can? All things are possible for one who believes". I tend to say "If you can.." repeatedly in my prayer life. What a slap in the face to God! Of course He can! HE IS ABLE. He is God. And then the father quickly responds "I believe; help my unbelief!" I can imagine him saying this quickly so he can't think twice about what he is actually saying. "I believe" is the right answer. God is completely worthy of our trust and belief. Numbers 23:19 beautifully explains that "God is not man, that He should lie, or a son of man, that He should change His mind. Has he said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and will He not fulfil it?"

The cry of our heart should be "I believe; help my unbelief!" Beth Moore once said "Trusting an invisible God doesn't come naturally to any believer. A trust relationship grows only by stepping out in faith and making the choice to trust. The ability to believe God develops most often through pure experience". It's not easy to trust God, especially when He asks us to surrender all of our desires and painful questions to Him. 

BUT as a son and daughter of God, you have the privilege to trust and rest secure in your Heavenly Father. As I've been working through this issue with God I've realised more and more that God is for me. I am His, and He is mine. He loves me, He left heaven and came to a people who rejected Him, and He was brutally beaten and nailed to a tree so that I could know and believe Him. Beloved, know that God is for you. He did all of this FOR YOU. He is a loving, compassionate, grace-filled God who is unlike any man and who has wonderful and amazing plans for your life! He is going to glorify Himself through your life, but as John Piper always says, He is glorified the most when we are satisfied in Him. You may not have all the answers right now, but you have the ability to draw close to the One who has all the answers - the one who loves you and has the best plan for you!

I hope this is some encouragement to you! I don't think I could find the right words to express what is truly going on in my heart and my head concerning this issue, but I really do pray this can be of some help to you! I pray that you and I will both learn to trust God each and every day! Remind yourself of who He is on a regular basis and don't relent until your heart clings to God.

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in Me. John 14:1

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song. Psalm 28:7

I watched this video a few months ago and it blew my mind. In the same way the little girl didn't trust her mother, we don't trust God..but remember, He has a bigger and better plan that we could ever think of! TRUST HIM! :)