What if?

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. James 1:5-8

What if God calls me to live full time in Africa?

What if He asks me to leave all my family and friends and go to a place where I know ONE person?

What if God tells me to enroll in college in South Africa?

What if God tells me to forsake everything but Him and my relationship with Him?

What if He says, "Use all your money..but don't fret about it, I have it all under control."

Or "Yeah..you won't fit in there at all. I didn't fit in with My own creation either."

What if this is the last season of fall that I will experience in these mountains?

What if God asks me not to buy another car?

What if I just want my life to be "normal"? 

What if I'm scared to death of leaving?

What if I have doubts that this trip will fall through like the last one?

What if I'm not able to learn well over there, since it's a completely different country?

What if I don't have enough time to graduate early?

What if God is telling me to throw all my "what if's" out the window and to hold unswervingly to Him because He has promised me, and He is faithful.

So, I'm going to stop with my "what if's" and hold onto the fact that I'm going to Africa. I trust that God is completely capable of providing my every need and will prepare me in every way possible. The Lord has already been preparing me in so many different and difficult ways and I'm begging that you pray for me through this time. It's crazy how the thing I am most scared of is the biggest desire of my heart.

The LORD had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you." Genesis 12:1

Beautiful disaster.

I wish I could sit here and confidently write that the story of my life is all about a young woman who is fearless. That I very rarely make mistakes, and when I do I always learned my lesson right away. I'm organized and always on time. I never complain and I always have a good attitude. I take huge risks and trust God immensely with every part of my life and I would never dare question His will for my life.

If you know me, you'd be laughing at that last paragraph.

This is the real story of my life: I am fearful of many many many things. I am constantly making mistakes day in and day out, and most of the time I have to be hit over the head a few times until I learn my lesson. My life is a mess, I'm constantly going or doing something. I never manage to be on time unless I'm a few hours early. I complain about almost everything that doesn't go my way and I can be a very grumpy person more often than not. I like to stay in my comfort zone and trust God with the small parts of my life so I don't have to experience discomfort or pain. I question His will for my life every single day, sometimes hourly.

BUT thankfully, my life isn't about me. It's a story about redemption and an unconditional love that will never relent. It's all about a God who sees my fear, and uses His Holy Spirit to push me to overcome my fears so that His love will be made perfect in me. My mistakes show His grace and that even when I push myself away from Him, He died for me anyways. That's true love. Even when my life is a complete wreck His peace is powerful in my life. With every complaint I utter, God reminds me that He is enough for me. He is enough to satisfy everyone. Who am I to not be joyful about that? Who am I to question God's plans? Who am I to not trust Him with my life?

I'm nobody. I'm a mess. I'm a disaster. I can't do anything right. I make endless mistakes and get myself into huge perdicaments. I'm rotten and spoiled. I don't trust and I don't love. And all of those things are what make my life story all about God. He chose me. He used my nothingness to show that He is something! He took my life and made it beautiful. I'm His mess and His disaster. He is molding me by my mistakes and pruning me of my rotten and spoiled outlook on life. He is softening my heart to trust Him in a way unimaginable. I'm learning how to fall in love.

I don't want to know what my life would be without You Lord. I don't want to run away from what You've called me to. I want to fall so madly in love with You that I chase after you, even though that means I have to lose my life. I pour my life out completely to You. I'll give You all of me, so that it won't be my life but Yours.


But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. Philippians 2:17