Kamvalethu.

I was sitting on the edge of the couch, overwhelmed by my surroundings and the bleak reality that my eyes met. I spent a week at Themba Care, the government institution that housed 13 babies – sick, infected, abandoned little babies. The kids were so sick they couldn't hide it. Frail and under weight bodies, oozing ears, babies on machines, children who couldn't walk properly. I was genuinely overwhelmed. My prayer for that week was that God would reveal more and more of Himself as Father. Daddy.

Days passed and I still felt uncomfortable and overwhelmed. I knew there wasn't much I could do to help those children, but I played, and smiled, and laughed, and rocked, and fed, and prayed over them.

Now, I don't normally play favourites..... but... that was before I had met Kamvalethu. He was a precious little boy who was quiet and cautious at first, but so warm and friendly after we established ourselves. He couldn't speak much english and he wasn't capable of walking properly, but we got on so well. At the beginning of the week I was completely unaware that this little boy would show me exactly who I am in the eyes of God.

One afternoon we were working on developmental skills that the children needed help with, but Kamvalethu wasn't very happy with me. He had a particular toy that was going to hurt him if he had fallen or bumped into something, so I took it away from him so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Boy oh boy that child cried and fussed like it was the end of the world. He literally worked himself up so much that he was struggling to breathe and I think he could have filled a river with tears. He was so upset with me and refused to pay me any attention for the rest of the afternoon.

I was a bit hurt to be honest. He had become my little buddy and I was simply trying to protect him because I cared about him. His young mind couldn't conceptualise that though. We both had to suffer the consequences. He didn't get his toy and exhausted himself from his tempertantrum, and I was cut off from the baby I wanted to be with the most.

Months later I'm sitting in my room, trying to talk to God through my stubbornness and apologise for how strong-willed and uncooperative I've been lately, and I just had an overwhelming picture come to my mind.

The first was thinking of my high school years and my relationship with my dad. My parents are so wise and have examplified large amounts of leadership and guidance in my life, but that doesn't mean I always understood their leadership or decisions. Actually, more often than not, I bucked their authority out of the stubbornness in my heart and did what I felt was best. That would lead to arguments, frustration, and consequences. My parents are my best friends and I understand now that they love me and made certain decisions to protect me and to give me what was best. The picture I got was the pain of being separated from my parents because I was rebellious and angry because I didn't get what I had wanted in that moment. I see the pain my parents felt because I was essentially hurting myself, but more than that, I wasn't trusting them and I was pushing them away.

After thinking about that, my mind immediately went to that precious baby. Yoh it hurt my heart when he was so upset with me. I wish I could have explained to him in a way that he would have understood... I was simply protecting him. I was keeping him from hurting himself.

How often is that us though?  

We fight and kick and scream at God like little babies because we don't get our way. We don't understand Him, and we decide not to trust that He is protecting us and taking care of us. Worse than that, we tend to push Him away. 

Kamvalethu is a Xhosa name, and within the Xhosa culture children are given names with specific meaning. This child's name means “our future”. Despite his illness, I know that God has a future for him. I sat and watched that child kick and scream and throw a tempertantrum like he created it, but I couldn't help but smile because I knew this wasn't the end for him. Though he thought so, it wasn't the end of the world. He'd get over it and completely forget that I took the toy away from him. In the long run, it was better for him to experience that frustration in that moment than to have gotten hurt.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18

When I looked at Kamvalethu, I couldn't help but see myself. It was like God gave me a glimpse of Himself as Daddy and me as His daughter. Stubborn, spoiled, young daughter.

A week after sitting with God and recognising myself as this stubborn, strong-willed child, I found myself sitting across the table from a beautiful young woman who finds herself lost in the same exact place. Except she doesn't want to talk to God. She doesn't understand that He is a good, loving, caring, and protecting Father. In her mind He has done nothing good for her. She's run away from Him, hard, and she doesn't know how to get back. She doesn't feel like she can go back.

I listened, affirmed, and explained so gently that just because she ran away does not mean she cannot run back. She struggles to be the mother she dreams of... she wants her children to be safe, loved, provided for, and in her care. But what if her children leave her? What if they look at their circumstances and decide that they want something else. What if they doubt her love for them based on their circumstances. Those children may leave her, but that will never take away her love for them.

I asked her if she could ever stop loving them.

She looked at me with big tears in her eyes and knew exactly where this question was going. She understood. In the same way that she would never stop loving her own children, God has never stopped loving her.

I'm reminded that God is for us. I believe that even in the most terrible of situations, God is more than willing to work it for our good. I believe that despite our sins and mistakes, God is capable of taking that evil and turning it around. The consquences and punishment we may face are intended to make us better and to mold us into the image of God. The circumstances we go through are capable of bringing us closer to God, and God labours on our behalf to make it all for our greater good. Even when we don't understand, even when it hurts, and even when we are frustrated, we can lean into the One who is trustworthy.

I think that is what truly matters to God. He wants us to trust Him and embark on every single day of our lives like it is an adventure with Him.

Through the easy days and the days that feel unbearable, He plans for your future with Him. You have been chosen by God, elected, set apart for a purpose (1 Peter 1:1-2) ... He has named you Kamvalethu in one way or another, because He is continually plotting for your future together with Him. You carry the purpose of knowing God and walking with Him.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

...neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:39

Despite your stubbornness, doubt, sin, or anything else, God is stretching His hand out to you in love. Rather than running away from Him, He wants you to lean into His arms in absolute trust.. He is saying, "My child.... I have our future in mind..."

Lean in, rest in His arms, and trust your Daddy. 

He writes you love letters.

I'm going to be completely honest with you in this post. And that makes me feel quite vulnerable.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

The past few months have been some of the loneliest months of my life. It feels like it anyway. The year started out with some of my best friends getting into serious relationships. One of them has even ended up in an engagement (yay!)! But, new relationships always bring change. I normally like change, except when my close friends aren't so close anymore. I was okay with it though, because at the time I was finding myself in a similar situation as they were - except this wasn't such a serious decision, but more of a "you're cute and make me laugh" decision that "just happened". (Thats another lesson in and of itself, don't let stuff like that just happen!) What "just happened" didn't "just work" and ended up falling apart, taking my heart with it. My friends were focused on their "other", I focused on my "other" and then had nothing to focus on, and no one to focus on me. It hurt, bad. 

Loss of friends, heart break, and so many other things have lead to a season of loneliness that I can't quite describe with words. There is something about being known by someone and knowing someone in return; learning their habits, their preferences, their humour, finishing their sentences, feeling comfortable in their presence, understanding their silence, being free and transparent in your own skin around them.

That has been absent in my life for the past few months.

At first I knew I'd be okay. This too would pass. I drew closer to God, took His word in and knew I was secure in His love, but after a few months my heart gradually hardened. I didn't understand why I was so alone. Did I do something wrong? Do people not like me? Am I hard to get along with? I started analysing everything. Somehow I had lost sight of the truth and found myself in a fit of insecurity, coming to the conclusion that it was my fault. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't pretty enough. I wasn't funny enough. I was too emotional. Too deep. Too loud. Too talkative. Too this. Too that. Not perfect. Not good enough. Not loveable. 

Not perfect and not good enough told me that I needed to be better. I needed to be perfect, and likeable, and understood so that people would love me. I needed to change this, that, and the other to be good enough.

I took that into my relationship with God. How could He, of all "people", love me? I mess up so often. I push Him away. I'm stubborn. I don't seek Him wholeheartedly. I don't always adore Him above everything else. I'm not always patient, or trusting, or at peace. How could He love me. It felt like I needed to clean myself up. Fix my life. Make a check list and accomplish something before He would love me.

Oh how wrong I was.

Please hear me out, I'm not sharing this for my own good. This is too personal and too difficult for me to write simply because I want to talk about myself. I have a feeling that you may feel this way also, or have felt this way at one point in your life. And one thing I'm sure of: You will experience this at some point in your life.

Loneliness is inevitable. Whether you are single and 20 something, or married and have kids clinging to you at any point in the day, you will experience loneliness.

And because of that, I want you to know that you are adored.

I was laying in bed, avoiding God and trying to focus on something other than the pain of feeling misunderstood and unknown, but He wouldn't leave me alone (I'm thankful for that).

I write you love letters, Corina.

I will pursue you, Corina.

You are altogether lovely, Corina.

He writes you love letters, beloved. 

My love,
I made you in My image and My likeness, giving you value and worth (Genesis 1:26). I formed you, and give you life by breathing you into being (Genesis 2:7). I saw that what I had created was good, and I blessed you (Genesis 1:28, 31). Don't you see the value you have? Don't you see that I adore you, because you are My creation? I knit you together while you were in your mothers womb. I knew you intimately even there (Psalm 139:13). I set you apart - something only I can do - and give your life a purpose (Jeremiah 1:5). I chose you as my servant so that you could know Me, and believe Me, and understand who I am: God. The only God and Saviour (Isaiah 43:10-11). But even when you deserted Me for temporary satisfaction and pleasure, I came to search for you. "Where are you?", I called (Genesis 3:9). I made a sacrifice, killing the first animal, so that your sin would be atoned for. I killed one of my creations so that we could still be in a relationship. More than that, you became my enemy (Romans 5:6-8). I knew you intimately, like a husband knows his wife, but you prostituted yourself and ran from Me (Ezekiel 16; Hosea 4:10-13). But I sent My very own Son to reconcile our relationship and to bring you from death to life (Ephesians 2:1-5). Do you not know that I love you? And despite your sin, I know you and I am familiar with all your ways (Psalm 139:1-3). I have not forgotten you (Isaiah 44:21). I have swept away your offences and your sins. I have called you to return to Me (Isaiah 44:22). I have made you into a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17) and I have given you a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26). I've made a covenant with you, a promise that you will be My people, and I will be your God. You will be able to have a relationship with Me from the depths of your new heart (Jeremiah 31:31-34). All because I have loved you with an everlasting love. Because I have drawn you with loving-kindness (Jeremiah 31:3-4). I promise you many things. I will never, ever leave you (Hebrews 13:5). I will take care of you, carry you close to My heart and tend to you (Isaiah 40:11). Remember that I made you, I will carry you, sustain you and rescue you (Isaiah 46:4). I am the God who created the stars and everything in the heavens. I am the God who gives you strength when you are weary and weak (Isaiah 40:29; 2 Corinthians 12:8-10). I am the God of all comfort and the Father of compassion (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I understand what you go through and I can sympathise with your pain (Hebrews 4:15). I am your freedom (2 Corinthians 3:17). I took you from slavery, broke the chains around your neck, and enabled you to walk with your head held high (Leviticus 26:13). Cling to Me, I am faithful (Hebrews 10:23). Talk to Me, tell Me about your worries and cares because I care for you (1 Peter 5:7). When you are Mine, I do not leave you condemned (Romans 8:1). My love for you is unconditional, and I take joy when you put your hope in My love (Psalm 147:11).

How beautiful you are, My darling! Oh how beautiful! Your eyes are doves. Like a lily among thorns is My darling among the maidens. All beautiful you are, My darling; there is no flaw in you (Song of Songs 1:15; 2:2; 4:7).

In my season of loneliness I am reminded that He writes me love letters. They say more about Him than they do about me, and these love letters fixate my eyes on my King, my Prince, my Everything. The One who knows me in all of my imperfections, yet loves me as He loves His Son.

That is the key to being content in a season of loneliness: Knowing the truth found in God's love letter to you, you are known and loved.

How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming (Song of Songs 2:16).

He writes you love letters, beloved.