When God pursues.

Yesterday was crazy. I'm still processing it all.

We had just come back from a day at the orphanage, and I was sitting on the step outside of the seminary. I looked up when I heard a younger woman quietly say excuse me. She was probably just a few years older than me, and her daughter was clutching her hand. She was almost whispering when she asked me where the home was for abused women. I knew exactly where it was, but my thoughts were going to a million different things in one moment. I was drawing up various pictures of what this beautiful woman's life could have looked like.

I did my best to explain directions to her, but really felt it would be best to walk with her. So we walked. It was terribly awkward. I wanted to be sweet and gentle with her, but the fact that we were walking together to this home was painfully obvious to the both of us. It hurt. She wouldn't look at me much, even when I asked her questions. She avoided eye contact with me, and I could see shame written all over her face and demeanor. When we made it to the home I stood with her to make sure she got in fine. I hugged her and tried to make eye contact as I asked for her name, but she just muttered quietly under her breath and walked through the gate, avoiding looking at me at all.

I was so overwhelmed, and didn't know what else to do but pray. It was one of those Holy Spirit interceding for me moments, because I had no idea what to say, much less process what had happened and all of it's implications.

About an hour later I was laying in bed, so comfortable that I didn't want to get up.... then I heard a familiar knock on the door. After he pounded 6 or 7 times I finally got out of bed, only to find this beautiful girl at my door. I was shocked. She walked a little way with me and said that she wanted to thank me for walking with her earlier, she felt it was the polite thing to do. This time she was looking me in the eyes from time to time, making eye contact and then looking back at her feet again and again. I could tell she was about to burst. I hugged her and it was as if she melted. Her body language changed immediately and I felt her soften in my arms. She was sobbing but trying so hard to pull herself together. I grabbed my shoes and we sat on my beloved jungle gym (I spend a lot of time in the sun there) and we spoke. I didn't even initiate the conversation, much less ask questions. She just started talking. Telling me her story and some of the heart-breaking circumstances she's been through. I was done for after the first few sentences. Neither of us could keep the tears from flowing. She told me about her children, her family, her struggles, and her disbelief in God. I listened, and cried, and truly felt for this woman. I shared my story, my battles, and my experiences. I also shared about my loving Jesus who is not like an absent or unconcerned biological father or a brutal step-father who rapes a child, but a kind, gentle, perfect, compassionate and righteous Father who is ever present, always listening, and absolutely FOR His children... so much for them that He pursued, and sacrificed, and DIED to bind up their broken hearts shattered by sin.

She just cried. We both just cried.

The timid and shame-filled woman I had met simply an hour ago was completely different before me now, making eye contact, sharing her story, and getting glimpses into the dignity and worth she carries because of her Maker. She labeled herself as useless and dirty because of the actions of those around her. She carries their sins as her shame, but that is not the woman that she is.

She shared with me that at the woman's home there had been no social workers, simply a pastor. And she didn't want to speak to them because they were a pastor. But I believe whole heartedly that God was there, pursuing her precious heart in that moment. Drawing her to Himself. And for some reason she came back to me. God pursued her in that moment also, by His grace, using my brokenness and my story and heartache to shine light and hope and LOVE to her.

She asked me to introduce her to this Jesus that I was friends with.

That's how God works.

He pursues, and loves, and heals, and sends.

Once again, I experienced this Jesus in the streets. With people who are messy, hurt and broken.

Please pray for this beautiful woman. I could see her strength. I could see her beauty. She has a Bible now. Pray that she would be selfish in seeking the help that she needs. Pray that she would be removed from the abusive situation and that her and her children would be safe. Pray for her healing, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Pray that she would experience the love and mercy of God in all of it's truth, recognising her desperation for Christ and the grace and love that God wants to so willingly lavish upon her. Pray that she would be healed, and that those who have produced the abuse would experience sorrow that leads to repentance and salvation. PLEASE pray that God's word would hide itself in her heart and change her, love her, heal her, and send her for His purposes. I know that God will heal and use her story as a testimony for His glory and as an advocate for abuse.

Held.

I remember sitting on her lap like a 6 year old girl. Up to that point this would have been an awkward gesture for the both of us. But we had struggled through enough in that past year to feel anything slightly awkward or uncomfortable. I was 16 years old, I think, and had been crying out every ounce of salt water my eyes could possibly conjure up. I had been up in my room thinking...memories of my past were flooding my mind vividly. To the point that I wasn't able to hold in my emotions any longer. And I just needed arms to hold me.

And she held me like I was her own.

(This was written before they had taken me in.
Please excuse my 8th grade grammar. It's terrible, I know.)

After months of struggling to find my place and how I fit into this new family, we were finally sweeping up the egg shells that we had been walking on. It took a huge blow-out fight. I tested their love for me and said every ugly thing my mind and heart had ever felt to adults as a whole who hadn't loved me like they should have. It was painful. My words were harsh and directed at the woman who had taken me into her home and out of my abuse drenched life. It seemed that everyone who had ever claimed to love me, left me. Cold. Mean. Hurt. Broken. This new family said that they had loved me. But I was convinced that they hadn't seen the real me, and that if they did, they would also leave me.

But she held me like I was her own.

That embrace brought healing. It was a battle through 16 years that left me with a distorted view of love.

But that embrace is only a glimpse into the way Jesus wraps His love around me.

I remember one afternoon that was particularly difficult. I was once again replaying the past and feeling quite defeated. I was laying down with my baby brother for his afternoon nap. He was about 2 at the time. I couldn't stop thinking and my head was flooded with emotions. I prayed and cried, telling God that I felt so alone and hurt. I just wanted to be in His arms in perfection, not having to worry about any of this brokenness. I just wanted to be close to Him.

In that exact moment my baby brother rolled over and got as close to me as he possibly could. He lifted my shirt and put as much of his warm belly on my cold skin and threw his arms around me. He tucked his head into my chest and just held onto me.

And somehow, in that moment, God held the two of us like we were His own.

People say adoption changes lives. I can testify to that.

Unconditional love, when rooted and established in it, allows people to flourish. The heart of adoption is unconditional love. And the Father of unconditional love is God. 

This is a prayer that Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, to the Gentiles, those who had been adopted into God's family. 

For this reason I kneel in prayer before the Father, in whom every family on heaven and earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He would strengthen you by the power of the Holy Spirit - yes the same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead - so that He may dwell, live, and make His home in your heart. I pray that you would be deeply rooted and established in God's love so you can better understand and continually grasp the height, depth, width, and length of His love in all of it's perfection. All so that you can be filled to the absolute fullness of God! This love surpasses all knowledge.

And God, the Father of this love, can do immeasurably and abundantly more than we could ever ask or even dream of, according to His power that works in us. To HIM be the glory forever, and ever, and ever, amen. Ephesians 3:14 - 21 (my paraphrase).

You are adopted and chosen by God, before the foundations of the world. Not just because it was His will, but because it is His absolute joy and pleasure. Ephesians 1:4 - 5 (my paraphrase).

I promise you, He holds you because you are His own.

Security and worth.

We've bought into a lie that has promised us security.

But in return we're being destroyed, slowly but surely.

We're continually wanting our security to be tanglible, and obvious, and affectionate. Something we can hold and grasp onto. We want it to be affirmed now. We've been raised in a world that tells us our security is based on another's opinion of us. Perfectionism has noted every mistake, error, fault, flaw, and blemish in and on us like a check list against us. We've been whispered to by our ugly culture, believing that our worth is based on our beauty, or sex appeal, or the amount of attention the opposite sex gives. So what do our hearts do? They reach out. They try to check our lists and get more checks on the “good” side rather than on the ugly side that we tend to think is reality - what defines us. We reach out for affection and affirmation from our check lists, the attention we're given, the compliments we recieve. We want people to adore us, our faults and our failures included.

And that's normal.

But if that is what determines our worth, it's not healthy.

Not when our heart loses sight of the love our Father has for us.

Our sight tends to fixate on the now, and we've been swept up into a continual cycle of affirmation and condemnation. Leaving us dependant and desperate for those around us to dictate who we are and the amount of worth we possess.

BUT...

Our worth is not determined based on what others around us confirm or think. Our worth, Lord, is found in the fact that “You know me...and You are familiar with all my ways.” You know us. You've searched us. You have created us intimately and intentionally. You see us in what we think is absolute darkness and failure and loss – but it is all light to you. You saw us while we were unformed, yet every single day of our lives were written in Your book. And through it all, You laid Your hand upon us and You never leave. Never. (Psalm 139)

That alone confirms my security and worth.

That alone confirms your security and worth.

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. Psalm 112:7-8

Don't buy into the that lie your heart or the world around you screams. Renew your mind to His truth.

He knows you, and loves you more in this moment than anyone could love you in an entire lifetime. You've been lavishly loved! 

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1a